In for a pound…. as the saying goes.
I’m going to do the unthinkable. I’m going to post an unflattering full body picture and actually admit my weight in the most public place I can… here.
This is Picture of month one. It is particularly unflattering because it is taken from an up angle and the flash is jacked.
This is what I look like at 428 pounds at 6 foot tall.
428 pounds…. Admitting that in public is scary. And shameful. Very shameful. The past few years of my life have been trying to love myself and forgive myself. I’ve been trying to work through my shame. Here is my last big shame; The Number.
I don’t understand my own shame and fear of revealing my exact weight. Everyone around me knows I’m not skinny. It isn’t a huge secret, even for people who only know me online. It just makes me feel very vulnerable to have it out there.
My mom asked me if I was sure it was a good idea. I’m opening myself up to ridicule. Fuck ’em. I’m a big girl. I’m a big girl who signed up for therapy and the YMCA. I’m a big girl who wants to be healthier. I’m a big girl who wants to run a 5k and dance. People are going to ridicule me no matter what. Now, they just have a number to do it with.
I’ve had the ridicule my entire life. I’ve had the shame my entire life. I’m done. I have a friend who has invited me down to her house, but I would never go because she and her husband have made a lot of comments about fat people, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with them. I’m done with that.
So, once a month I’ll be posting a picture and the number. I don’t know what will happen. What I want to happen is as I get healthier the number has less hold on me, even if it doesn’t go down. I hope some of my shame will dissolve. Maybe, and this happens only in my wildest dreams, someone else reads this, and maybe they start to try to have a better relationship with their number. It’s a sad statement of our society, but I expect ridicule. I expect negativity. I hope I’m strong enough to say “fuck ’em, at least I’m trying.”
I do thank you, my gentle readers, for being amazing and gentle and encouraging. Maybe we can all help each other with some number that has too much of a hold on our psyche.
3 comments
Sweety, do NOT feel ANY shame. Your an amazing human being, and a beautiful woman. Weight can be resolved, eating can be managed. I know plenty of UGLY thin people love. Embrace how fantastic it is that you no longer feel self destructive, and that you love yourself enough to take better care of your self. Never worry about the number. Dont try to be something someone else thinks is beautiful. Be healthy, be happy. You already have the Beautiful covered.
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This is one of the many reasons I adore you, Evan. Truth is, this is the first time in my life I do feel beautiful and sexy. I carry around every bit of it knowing I’m a rocking sex kitten from outer space, but I had to let that go. The number is stupid the way I feel is all that matters.
428 is a beautiful number. Seriously, I have ordinal linguistic personification, and 428 is a very kind, feminine, and purple-y number. 😛