So I took on wal-mart as a theme because it was a suggestion from Tina. I have been struggling with what to write today all morning and I came to the conclusion that Tina must secretly hate me. She also gave me the November Thanksgiving theme. After a few paranoid moments contemplating my best friend’s sneaky treachery, I realized that the reason she wanted me to write about my adventures in wal-mart is that I have some pretty funny wal-mart stories.
Like I have said before, my wal-mart has a few factors that make it have particularly interesting clientele. There are very few places to shop around here. There are three other grocery stores in town. One is a dirty, badly organized, expensive Homeland that has terrible selection. There is an old school grocery called Dunn’s that still uses old school price stickers and is full of fussy old people and a bad fruit selection. The third is actually awesome.
It’s a Save-a-lot so it is all off brand stuff. The merchandise is still in its shipping boxes and there is one brand of anything you would want. I walked in there the day before Christmas Eve and I was immediately in love. It reminded me of a scene from a movie, I think it was Raising Arizona, where the couple was shopping and everything was in generic yellow labels. Someday I am going to set a book in that place. I need to go back soon. Anyway, not really the place to do a lot of shopping at.
So with these limited choices EVERYONE in town shops at our wal-mart. It leads to the best amalgamation of shoppers ever. I have a lot of great stories, I know I do. I just can only remember one right now and I will tell it with my normal awkward style.
One of my favorite movies is Napoleon Dynamite. It didn’t have plot or character development really which normally I like in my non-cheesy action movies but it was a genius string of random hilarious things. The first time you watch it you spend most of your time watching it with your head cocked to the side like a black labrador puppy thinking “whaaa?” but after you finish watching the movie and start quoting it, you realize just how truly brilliant it is.
Anyway, in the movie the main character’s brother is a skinny, short nerdy white boy who meets a woman on the internet. No one actually believes that he actually has an online girlfriend until she shows up. She steps off the bus and she is a stunning black woman. At the end of the movie, the pair leave and he is in a basketball jersey, a head rag, and a sagging pants. It is a great sight gag.
Well, one day I saw them at wal-mart by the yogurt.
The woman is straight up gorgeous. She is perfectly dressed like a professional woman about to go out for the evening. Her hair is styled immaculately and her make up skills made me jealous. In the cart in front of her was this perfect little girl in a sweet dress and pig tails. Standing beside her was the skinniest, dorkiest, white boy I have ever seen (that is saying something since I hang out with gamers). He is in a blue and white basketball jersey with a thick gold chain around his neck and is wearing a blue baseball cap turned to the side and basketball shorts that hang down below his knees accentuating his stunning lack of a butt.
I generally try not to stand in the middle of an aisle and gawk but I am pretty sure I stopped for a few seconds to stare at this pair. It isn’t often you see a joke from a movie standing in front of you. I wanted to walk by them and say “Napoleon, you are just jealous because I spend all day talking to hot chicks on the internet.” I had to immediately go to the toilet paper aisle (since it is the abandoned aisle in the grocery section) and text Tina.
That is today’s story. I promise before Tuesday I will either go to wal-mart and come back with something new or remember some of my other stories.
Geeks a Geeking