Jan 19

Steam…

… I have none.
I think all that self righteous yesterday wore me smooth out. (Yes, I know that sentence was grammatically in correct, assholes.)

Watching the energy and passion yesterday was truly inspiring and made me very proud. I did my tiny bit. I am not going to make this another SOPA/PIPA blog, though, you guys know about it, and anything more right now will be preaching to the choir. I am going to keep up with the news however I can get it since major news sources won’t run much because of corporate greed. (I almost typed that with a straight face.) I might make Wednesday my “Call my senators and bug the living shit out of them about SOPA” day.

So, I made the random decision to eat better and work out. The first several days really sucked. I was going through crazy withdrawals. I knew logically that people like me have addictions to food. I knew that I had the same physical reactions to food that I used to have with cigarettes. I just didn’t know it until I decided to fix my eating, then, oh did I know it. I spent a night having a long conversation in my head with myself about it. Something about realizing it was an addiction made it a lot less scary.

Quitting smoking SUCKED. It was god awful and painful and difficult. Until last March, it was the hardest thing I had done. I got over my addiction, though, and when I was talking to myself the other night, I realized I have dealt with addiction and I can handle it. It might suck, I might fall back, but I can still deal with it. Plus, I am having fun trying new foods in new combinations. Losing three pounds doesn’t hurt either.

Now, if I could put some of motivation and liquid awesome into rewriting the next section of my book, I would be awesome.

I might go play with wookie and try to work up motivation to write. I see it working out well.

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Jan 17

I am Going to Break Things, but It Is for a Good Cause

So I had a funny blog planned out in my head. I am still going to write it, but I got caught up reading about the SOPA black out protest tomorrow. That’s right cats and kittens, SOPA and PIPA (a bill much like SOPA) are still in congress.  I’ve ranted and ranted and ranted about the many ways these bills can hurt America.

The White House came out against SOPA/PIPA, so it looks like we are gaining some ground, but I am still keeping an eye on the progress. Our government is bought and paid for, it is true. I makes me sad to say. It is the American people’s fault for letting it happen. I still have to believe we can get it back legally and peacefully, we just have to get mad. We have to care and vote and write. We need to blog and Tweet and Facebook and Tumblr. We need to get active again.

It is OUR government, and we seem to have forgotten that. Why is it uncool to think of our government working for us? Of the people for the people, remember?

Add your voice.

Dr. Gates made his Revolutionary America class read Capitalism and the New Social Order by Dr. Joyce Appleby, which is a fantastic book and changed the way I looked at our country, but the first sixty pages or so are about the importance of pamphlets in the American Revolution. At the time, I was bored to death, but, now as a creature of the internet, I get it. Pamphlets were the 18th century blogs and social media. They allowed for the cheap transmission of ideas among people. We have the much easy venue of the interwebz. Use it.

Tonight, I am going to spend time figuring out how to blackout my website to be a part of this protest. I know my part is small compared to Wikipedia, but I am still going to do it. I would ask all of my friends with a website to do the same. Only one hundred people might see my black out, if I am lucky, but I can at least said I tried to do my part.

I will also probably break my website, but it will be for a good cause.

Again I will link you to this great site that has great information and ideas to add your voice. Also, these folks.

Edit: I found that there are simple WordPress Plugins to censor my site tomorrow. I probably won’t break my site.

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Jan 14

Sometimes It takes the Lesson a Few Times to Sink In

I know all of the cool kids talk about how crazy they are. If you want to be hip and edgy, you talk about all of your crazy bits, sometimes you even try to out crazy other people. There is an entire internet genre of Sylvia Plath bloggers, journaling through their pain on blogs. Sometimes they try to put some sort of persona or spin on it.

I also know I am one of them. At any given post, I will start going on about one aspect of my crazy or another. I don’t do it  because it is en vogue or in hopes of bringing in readers. I write about it because it is what I am dealing with at the time. I write about things because I am trying a crazy journey thing in self-acceptance, and I write about real life because it is what I do well. I write about my crazy because paying for web hosting is a lot cheaper than therapy. It helps me, and maybe someday it will help someone else.

I have been having a back and forth with my friend Renee about going to a convention for Oklahoma music teachers this weekend. I miss all of my music teacher friends, and I know I would have fun. When Renee called me to ask if I was serious about going with her, I had to admit that no matter how much fun it sounded, it sounded too scary.

I made a couple of jokes about being crazy. I started to say that I used to not be like this, then admitted the truth, that I was, but I drank to cover it, and I was more in practice with dealing with it. I remember that first semester of college, though. This is nothing compared to that.

Renee didn’t even blink. She told me she understood and offered other plans to get together in much less intimidating circumstances. After we made some tentative plans, I told her that I am continually amazed at how lucky I am that my friends know about my crazy and love me anyway. I told her that I knew anyone who knew me for years knew I was nuts, but it still surprised me.

“Selina, you never have to explain with me; you just have to tell me what is on your mind.”

I immediately started to cry. With that simple sentence, I felt free. I can’t fully explain why that sentence meant so much, but it meant everything. With that sentence, I felt safe.

It is difficult to reckon being very social and loving social interaction and being completely terrified of large groups of people and fearing new social situations.  I have to fake a lot of bravery to get me there.

To be completely honest, the only safe person I had until Renee said that, was Tina. I would have never made it through Blizzcon if Tina wouldn’t have literally let me hold on to the straps of her backpack and put up with me telling her that she was going too fast or too slow.  Any time we go somewhere, I know Tina will know when something is wrong with just the slightest signal. It is one of the many reasons I have undying loyalty to Tina and her husband Dave. They both care so much and try so hard to make me a part of their world. It really is an astounding openness and sharing with their lives that helps me understand the world.

Renee’s statement made me realize I have many other people who are willing to be safe for me. I knew it intellectually. Cynthia came to Chickasha for frell’s sake.

So here it is: if you mention doing something with me or invite me and I say I really want to go or that I really miss you, I do. I have these group of people I care deeply about, and I hope you know who you are. I should probably tell you more often. When I flake out, or make an excuse, it is because the idea is too stressful or scary. Instead of flaking out or making an excuse, I will be honest and tell you that it scares me. I am going to make a conscious effort to push myself again, because I do miss so many of you. I am going to trust that if  everything does get to be too much, it won’t be a big deal.

I know I have amazing friends. My friends know I am crazy, and they don’t care. Let us see if today’s lesson sinks in this time. If not, I know you guys will be there again.

I really am a lot like Sheldon Cooper without the genius part.

 

 

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Jan 12

I Live!

So, I am no longer mostly dead. I still feel like crap, but it is a much more manageable amount of crap. I have a feeling that I will be ready to get back to normal life by Monday, which is fantastic.

First a story about a funny dream I had: I was getting married (I know, crazy, right) and I was broke. I was driving around with a friend talking about canceling my wedding because it really is insane to try and have a wedding when you can’t afford one. I was stressing because I needed a dress and I wanted to get my hair done and I just couldn’t afford it. Then, I saw Kevin Bacon cutting someone’s hair on his front porch.

In the world of this dream, Kevin Bacon was also one of the world’s top hair stylist along with being a movie star. He was also a sucker for a wedding sob story and he agreed to do my hair for free, but we had to go to this international style expo that happened to be in town because he just didn’t have the equipment he needed on his porch. So, in this crowd of fabulously stylish and beautiful people, Kevin Bacon gave did my hair in this impossibly high art style.

The What Not to Wear people were also there and heard my broke-ass wedding story. They decided to help me out with a dress, but only after chewing me out for having my hair done. Apparently, Kevin Bacon gave me a 130,000 hairstyle and it somehow interfered with their show somehow. Ted Gibson, the stylist on WNW that I have a huge stylist/platonic crush on and I want him to do my hair and then go get coffee, was heart broken because he couldn’t do my hair.

The dream is as much of a mystery to me as it is to everyone else. I am pretty sure it was induced from all of the medicine I am on and the sleep deprivation. Whenever I could sleep, it brought strange ass dreams. Also, I clearly need to get back writing the moment I feel well enough, tonight I hope, and stop watching so much TLC.

I am watching too much CNN. I walk around grumbling in my own head about politics. Really, it is simple as implementing term limits, banning corporate contributions to political groups (including campaigns), and seriously limiting individual contributions. That would fix so much politically, especially if we made all high level government officials have open financials. It will never happen, but it would fix a lot.

I had some major chest congestion during this outbreak of the plague. I had times that I felt like I couldn’t pull in a full breath and it scared the living hell out of me. I never want to feel like that again.

It is time that I really try my best to get my health on track.

I am hesitant to write about it since I have made this decision so many times before and I have always failed. I start out with good intentions and then I let something derail me. The idea of writing about it publicly, then failing, frightens me. I don’t like failing, especially not publicly.

I have done so much in the past year, though, that I feel like this time it might stick. Maybe this time, I will make a plan and stick to it. So here it goes, I am making it public.

I want to work out everyday, even if it is just for fifteen minutes. I know you are supposed to take days off, but days off tend to make it harder for me to keep it up, and I actually really enjoy working out.  I can’t let myself get derailed by anything short of illness.I know I have certain triggers for stopping. My main two are my period and going to Tina’s house even though exercise will help with my menstrual crap and Tina tries her best to be supportive of me exercising.

No more wussing out because of PMS and when I go to Tina’s I will set time aside to Zumba on her Kinect. Commitment made.

Okay, other demon: food. I have a major soda addiction, and I need to get over it. I had told myself only one soda a week, but now I think I should say no soda. I am also going to my food intake for the next day every night, including snacks, and stick to it. I am going to find a more healthful balance of food I love and food that is good for me. There is my second commitment.

I have this silly little dream that I almost can’t write about. I want to run. I can’t really explain why, but I do. If I was being chased I could run now, but I want to get myself in better shape so on May 1st I can go to for a run.  I guess that is my third commitment. May 1st, I run.

It is strange that it is so hard to talk about this publicly. I have shared so much with this blog, including nitty gritty stuff people asked me why I would share. It has been such a hard road for me to accept myself, and I have worked so hard to poke at my vulnerable, messed up bits, but I have come so far with it. Somethings are hard to be honest about.

I am not my weight. I am beautiful just how I am. I deserve love and happiness right now. I am uncomfortable sometimes because I feel like I hulk over people around me. I want to wear a short skirt before I turn 35 and look hot in it. I want to run. People who judge me and treat me poorly because of my weight are the ones in the wrong, not me. I am not less of a person because I am overweight, and I do not deserve scorn. It is time I take control and work on being even more of my best possible me.

(I don’t plan on this blog becoming all about my weight issues. Since the commitment is made, this adventure in getting healthier will naturally show up more in my writing, but I refuse to become my weight loss, just like I refuse to become my weight now. People who only talk about how much they exercise or how well they eat drive me batty.)

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Jan 07

I might be a bit of an emo queen

Background: I started having sinus and chest issues before Christmas, and they never really went away. They got much better, and I was able to power through Christmas but they were always there.  Wednesday, my chest congestion and cough came back with vengeance. (I didn’t write Thursday because I actually hate writing about how bad I feel.)

I grew up with this kind of label of hypochondriac drama queen whiny baby any time I got sick, so now I am kind of paranoid about bringing up feeling bad. The older I get the more I don’t want to talk about feeling bad or  I try to down play being sick. I accept that sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties and deal with things no matter how bad you feel. I try really hard.

http://evolvefish.com/fish/magnets.html from here

I have a cough and pretty severe chest congestion and I am not able to sleep for long periods of time. Try as I might to be a big girl about it, today, I broke. Lack of sleep, hurting every time I inhale, and general wussy-ness finally got to me.

I sent Tina a text that said, “I need emotional coddling,” and like a hero she called me. I lost all ability to be a grown up woman and just whined and sobbed. She gave me the sympathy and the emotional coddling that I needed until I lost my ability to talk.

I feel so much better now. It still hurts when I breath and I still have random coughing fits, but it is all so much more bearable now. This is why we all need a best friend, so we can have someone to call when we are miserable sick and cry.

I found this when I googled “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” I found it mildly disturbing and awesome and odd that it under that search.

... Chocolate would get you further than rainbows

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Jan 03

Growing Up is Some Strange Shit

Woo Woo, my first of 2012!

Okay, that is the enthusiasm I can muster. I was up until 6am this morning working on my rewrite because I am slipping back into crazy writer mode. I am not entirely sure what day it is, and I am mostly still thinking about what is going on with my characters. It is an awesome feeling but I am not totally comfortable not really being aware of where I am in time. I need to just relax, baby, and roll with it.

I think I might have finally convinced everyone, including myself, that SWTOR isn’t going to kill my writing. I just like writing more than I like playing games and I miss it when I am playing. It is great when I need breaks or for when I take a night off, but I would rather be working than playing. What the fuck is that about?

Though my Corso Riggs has some rocking ass red man panties

So secret telling time: I love “What Not to Wear” on TLC. I can’t help it, I just do. I like watching people growing into their own beauty. I like clothes, hair, and makeup. I am endlessly girly.

I am surprised by my own reaction to the participants who fear that clothes will somehow make them less of who they are. I understand not wanting to wear clothes that you like or you don’t feel fits your personality, but a dress cannot drain your personality from your body. Your clothes should be a reflection of who you are but putting on normal clothes does not some how make you normal.

I have worn some pretty atrocious shit in my life. I used clothes and hair to act out and to try to accept myself as a big freaking weirdo. I felt that if I dressed as outrageously different as I felt, I would some how feel more okay with being me. I was a teenager trying to figure out who I was and trying to signal to others that were like me. I was somehow trying to find a way to be myself and to fit in. I wouldn’t be a teenager again for any amount of money and I think anybody who tells teenagers that they are in the best years of their life should get kicked in very sensitive bits.

I’m a grown up now, well, mostly a grown up. I have a pretty good idea of who I am. Nothing I put on will make me less Selina. A suit won’t make me normal. I know I can help others understand me by controlling the messages I send out with my clothes, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t find a balance between sending the right message and still liking what I wear. I don’t have that fear anymore. I don’t feel the need to dye my hair insane colors to announce that I am not like everyone else, but if I want purple hair because I think it is pretty or it makes me feel more bad ass, I can dye my hair.

I don’t have to scream to find my voice, and I don’t have to change myself completely to fit in. I don’t know when it happened, but it did happen.

Crazy profound from a reality television show.

When the fuck did I start growing up?

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Dec 31

New Years Resolutions + My Life= Does Not Compute

So I sit here on New Year’s Eve in one of the two t-shirts I own, yoga pants, and flour. Glamorous. My plans include drinking fancy mimosas and writing and, maybe, playing SWOTR. Gorramn my life is exciting.

Truth is, this is how I want it right now. Odd, huh?

Sometimes I go through these extreme gregarious periods where I want to see everyone and meet new people. I want to party and be exciting and feel like a vibrant social butterfly. During those times, a night like tonight would be almost unbearably depressing. I am lucky I am going through one of my “I am the dullest people I know” cycles. I am okay with being vibrant as grey tweed because I am being as productive as I have ever been in my life. I also know I will cycle back into my “Oh Holy Shit, Lets get to know EVERYONE” moods and I will be far less boring.

So, that is why I am down with baking bread into the New Year. Watch out world, I am really setting you ON FIRE. (The bread smells really good at least.)

So, to the actual point of the blog, I will not be making New Years resolutions this year.  It’s not that I have something against them. In fact, I think the concept is noble. I think looking at your life and committing to improve it is a great way to encourage personal growth. It doesn’t work out for me.

Last year I did a month of New Year’s resolutions that I needed to make and but I knew I would never keep. Funny thing is that I have incorporated some of those things in my life but not because I decided in January that I should, they just kind of happened. This past year has been my year of life lessons with the common theme of “sister, shit happens the way it is going to happen, deal with it and strive to be happy.”

Truth is, you can’t tell me a damn thing if I am not ready to believe it. I’m stubborn and I believe with ever fiber that I can make things happen if I believe strongly and work hard enough. I will ignore my own mind if it is screaming something that I don’t want to hear. A lot of the time, it is true. If I want something bad enough and I am willing to work hard enough for it, I get it. It is the times that I don’t that really knock me on my ass. It is those times that I grow.

This year has been a series of getting knocked on my ass, freaking out, putting on my big girl panties, and dealing with it. So much of what I thought I wanted this time last year imploded gloriously. Thank God.

So, I am going to think about what would make my life better, but only things I have control over, and be open to those changes. I am not exactly sure how to explain why it is different to say I am going to be open to healthful changes in my life as opposed to I am going to lose so many pounds or stop drinking soda.

I think it is that I move further and grow more when I accept life than I do when I try to control it. By not fighting, I can do more with what I have, and I make less excuses. I have more courage when I stop trying to control and just start doing. I am happier when I accept that things aren’t perfect, that I am not going to have everything the way I want it, but I can focus on what I love and do my best to fix what I can about the rest.

So, I guess by striving to not have a resolution, I made one. This year I resolve to stop fighting so hard, focus on what makes me happy, fix stuff when I can, and try to be happy with the good things everyday.

Oh my god, my garlic Parmesan beer bread is freaking divine.

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Dec 29

Intangible

Before I get started on my Thursday blog, I have a story.

I have very clear and definable moments in my life were I feel both gratitude and sympathy for the people in my life. Two moments come two mind. A few weeks ago I walked into my living room and announced, “It vexes me that my ass is lopsided.” The other happened earlier today. I was washing my hands and playing out some random scenario in my head and started making sound effects to go along with what was going on in my head.  It wasn’t until later that I realized that it might be strange to hear someone make dinosaur sounds while they washed their hands in the bathroom sink.

To all my friends and loved ones: thank you and I am sorry.

So, I read an article yesterday about Samoa skipping Friday. The government got together and decided that December 30, 2011 just won’t happen and they are skipping straight from today to Saturday.  Screw Friday, it is Saturday.

They had really sound, logical reasons for this alteration to the agreed upon calendar, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

It inspired me. So much of our lives are lives are ruled by realities that are things we simply agreed are true. Some things are truths no matter what you believe; you won’t suddenly float off if you stop believing in gravity, and the passage of time does exist. You can refuse to accept that you will die all you want but eventually you will cease to be. Other things, though, are just some shit we got together and decided to accept as the way of things.

Fuck you reality!

There is a cycle of light and dark and a progression of seasons but the ideas of months and weeks are a man made concepts. We place value in strange stuff. Gold? Really? It is kind of a useless metal. I think it conduct electricity well but mostly, it has value because it is rare and some people think it is pretty. People will kill other people over pieces of paper but consider other pieces of paper valueless.

A lot of these agreed upon things are pretty ridiculous, and we have completely stopped questioning them. Really, stock markets? That is about as tangible as phasers from Star Trek.

I typed “I am inspired to stop accepting reality.”

Let’s be honest here. I have been at odds with reality for a long time. I think it is pretty obvious that I live in my own little Selina universe that happens to coincide with the normal reality in certain spots. (Do I need to remind you guys that I made dinosaur sounds while washing my hands?)

Now, though, Samoa has given me a fantastic excuse for my weirdness. I am just questioning the validity of your agreed upon values. No, really I do on purpose, with intent. I am trying to show the world what it means to really live a life well examined. I am empowering you to make your own realities and grasp firm on to your own destinies. Seriously.  No, really, it’s not just that I am weird and incapable of fathoming normalcy.

Also…

Liberal Arts people, never let physicists make you feel bad about the relevancy of your work. I have learned a little about quantum physics and that is just as crazy as anything we study. Schrodinger’s cat is some crazy ass science fiction shit right there.

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Dec 27

WTF Just Happened Here?

My day got eaten up by a migraine. It was a bad one with the spots and the shakes. I am feeling less bad. I do think I am going to use my limited brain power on my revisions. Eventually, I am going to get my book in some sort of shape to send to literary agents, I swear.

I am going to give you a clip of a swearing doll to go along with my whine/cop out.

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Dec 24

Merry Effing Christmas

I made a video. In my head it was going to be much more epic but I freak out when I see myself on camera. This is what you get. Suck it up and deal. The lighting is awful and I added effects to cover up all of my hording junk in the background. It is Christmas eve. Lay off the judging.

I really do hope you guys have a great holiday!

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