Family of the Fur Kind

My entire life has been spent with dogs. I can’t remember a time in my life when we didn’t have at least one. Actually, I don’t ever remember ever having just one. I thought every one had them, and I can never picture my life without them.

We had some doozies, too. One dog, Dewey, was the definition of thinking with the small head. Every time the girl dog next door would go into heat he would break out and go chase her down. After getting hit by a car and shot, she moved in with us for a little while. My parents named her Floozy. I never got the joke. She moved back home, and the last time she went into heat, Dewey got hit by a truck. He died doing what he loved.

We had another dog named Sweet Cheeks. She accidentally bit me really hard when we were both puppies. (I was probably like 6.) She felt so guilty about hurting me that she followed me around protecting me for the rest of her life. When we moved to Oklahoma, and therefore into a town, from the Louisiana bayou, she had a hard time adjusting, and she was constantly pissed that she couldn’t ride the bus with me to school.

I never realized how many there have been that deserve to be told about. There was Princess Isabella of the Brownies (never let a 7 year old name a dog, especially if that 7 year old is me), who was a blonde dachshund that died from eating pecans whole. She really was blonde. Our Australian Shepard named Conan hated teenage boys, and Mom secretly loved it when he would tree one of the neighborhood boys.

Sophie was a Jack Russell terrier mix. We got her when I was a preteen. She was one of the smartest dogs we have ever had. She would sit up on her hind end and raise her ears up and down like the flag language sailors used to use. When she would have a litter of puppies, she would train them to sit on their hind ends. They would look like a row of meerkats. She gave us Chloe, Roscoe, and Sara from separate litters. Roscoe moved in with a certain blue-eyed blonde, who later became a circus freak.

Chloe, wow, she was a character. She was my dad’s best friend and protector. She also had some awesome battles with my mother. She was the only creature on Earth that could piss my mother off that bad and still get away with it. She even pissed on Mom’s foot one time. She spent a summer ruining my pants because I had the audacity to come home from college. She was lion-hearted, even after she went blind. One time she even managed to get into it with a squirrel. This blind, frail dog did her best to tear that thing up. I didn’t always like her, but I always respected her. I was so sad when it came time to put her to sleep. My heart broke for my Dad, and I called Tina because I felt like she would understand when I cried about us being puppies together.

Now, Sara is 14 years old. She has been around for almost half my life. One time I asked dad if Chloe, Sara, and I were on a boat and it was sinking if he would save me or them. His response, “Girl, that’s why I taught you how to swim.” They were more siblings than pets.

I’m trying to understand that Sara might not be around much longer. I can’t fathom that. I’ve never been really warm towards her. I might have even called her Smegol a few times when she got her hair cut too short. She’s our dog though. We were puppies together. She’s brave and loyal and she loves my dad. My heart breaks for him. I think my heart breaks for me a little bit, too.

We have our herd of dachshunds. There is no shortage of furry love. They are the first dogs I’ve had that weren’t more like siblings than friends. I have a different attachment to them. It isn’t a lesser thing, just different. These guys are mine, not someone else living in my house. I don’t know how to explain it.

I don’t know. All I know is that I always try to be more like a dog; loyal, loving, honest, and fierce. There are much worse things to be.

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In a Blurry Sorta Way

Procrastination is WIN

So, I’m back to writing. I can tell this because I am never entirely sure what time of day it is or even what day it is. When I’m not writing, I’m thinking about writing, and if I have to do something other than write, I am seriously annoyed (unless it is one of my many stalling/procrastination activities which I have decided are part of the ‘process’). My coffee intake has tripled, and I am a paranoid neurotic mess.

Be happy you do not get text messages from me right now. They are all a bit insane and needy. Okay, most of them are a lot needy.

This is how I roll.

And, believe it or not, when I am like this I feel very alive. I feel completely insane but very alive and energized. Well, that is when the self doubt isn’t freaking out, but the self doubt lives other places than my writing right now, so it is all good for the writing.

I also understand why I need to take long breaks from it. Someone pointed out to me that on my last really big writing binge I went six months without seeing anyone other than my family and Tina. I’m pretty sure that is not healthy.  There is a difference between focused and being completely submersed in your own world of crazy. I’m trying to avoid being committed or heavily medicated.

The slack jawed video watching from the last writing binge has begun. I am going to leave you with this treasure.

I’mma go do something about this raging head ache.

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Midnight Baking, Love Poetry, and Not Sleeping.

It is 5:12am and I haven’t been to sleep, per say. I took a nap at about 9pm until midnight. I’ve been awake with a whirring brain since then. I think my voodoo of Selina is finally starting to come back some. I midnight baked, like the old days, and then started a new story. I am toying with a new concept. Who knows how it will work out, but writing a potential failure is better than not writing at all.

Speaking of potential failures: I decided to change up the look of the blog for a bit. It is so girly it is almost cool. I’m sure I will get complaints and will revert back soon enough, but this was fun.

Speaking of writing: I wrote a nerd-tastic love poem. No, I didn’t specifically write it for the Viking. I wrote it more for all of the kooky nerds in love. There are so many more variations on this I could write, and I probably will toy with them. This one was crazy fun to write. Tell me what you guys think.

The nerdiest love poem ever

There might be a reason I stopped writing poetry

I’m going to dash off and either be epic or pass out. Right now, I’m feeling either is a possibility. It just feels incredible to be feeling the crazy writer vibe again. This was a short blog. I might write you more later.

 

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You Signed Up For This

I’m sure those aren’t that squirrel’s man bits, but it sure as hell looks like them. Those would be some impressive man bits.

I’ve been getting comfortable enough with The Viking to start letting more and more of my weird slip through. I make comments on rodent testicles in a public place, can you imagine what my private texts are like? Yep. I would feel sorry for the guy, except he gets to experience the brilliant random weird first hand, and he signed up for it. I’m pretty up front about being crazy and a weirdo. People normally don’t believe me and act surprised when I do something completely oddball. Bitches, I warned you.  I believe in truth in advertising.

So, I have finally admitted I was in a pretty thorough funk. I can’t really guess for how long. My guess is that you guys have known for awhile. You guys always know when I am in a funk or depression before I do. I don’t like admitting it to myself, so I pretend everything is fine, because that behavior has always worked so well in the past.  Yeah.

I’m not very kind to myself. I’m very busy focusing on what I need to do, what I am doing wrong, and what I am not doing, but I forget to look at what I have done. I’ve always felt very strange taking praise or feeling a lot of pride. I don’t want to be arrogant or develop an over inflated sense of self, but I think it is just as unhealthy for me to lack understanding of my real value.

I was also really overwhelmed. Yesterday, I picked a few small things that have been bugging me and fixed them. They were pretty small, but I felt a lot better afterward. I’m going to do that everyday, pick a small thing, or three, that bugs me, and fix it. I am also going to stop being upset with myself for not eating and exercising like I should. I just need to fix it. I’m not a failure for not sticking to it; only if I don’t pick it back up. Guilt and self loathing are useless and destructive.

I have no idea about my writing right now. I keep trying to work on different things and coming up with ideas, but everything feels like busy work. It is so frustrating. Everyone keeps reminding me I have a golden opportunity right now. I know I do. I feel a lot of pressure to be making pure literary gold leak from my fingers. I should be a fount of amazing words and world changing prose. Yeah.

I’ll get it figured out. I always do. I’ve written two major works. The Bloggess thinks I’m pretty. I’m a big hit in the Ukraine.  I send awesome random texts messages. I got this shit. No, really.

 

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That Boy Just Ain’t Right

I would apologize for missing Saturday’s blog, but I’m not really sorry. I was off doing super cool things with super cool people.

Friday night I was hanging out with Tina, her husband,and her husband’s niece. She is fifteen and cool as hell. I adore her. She is also a lot of fun to give shit to, and she handles it well, but mostly because it takes her a bit to get that you are teasing her.

We were watching television, and she kept asking questions about something that just happened.

Me: I think you have a problem paying attention to the t.v.

E: No, I don’t.

Me: Yes, you do. I had to explain the Futurama to you a few minutes ago.

E: That’s because I wasn’t paying attention. (Complete confusion while Tina and I laugh uproariously.)

Okay, so most everyone who knows me knows I hate mornings. It isn’t a preference thing, it is physiological. I try with all of my might to be a cool morning person, but I just cannot do it. I can be a normal human for a certain amount of time (not nice or anything but human) and then a limit gets reached and the monster comes out. The limit is never the same. I can’t predict how long I have of functioning time before I change.

Think of it like a tank.  Whenever I am woken up before I am ready, I come with a tank filled with social interaction tolerance. It takes a little bit for the fluids to get fully flowing, but once they do, I am good as long as I have something in that tank. I never know how big my tank is when I start out the morning, but I can feel it emptying because it takes more and more effort not to yell at everything. Everything. When the tank is empty, I am a full out bitch monster.

Saturday morning, I woke up at 7 am-ish, which is ungodly early for me, and I started to interact with some of my favorite people in the world. The tank felt fine until about 9:45 ish. We had been staying at Tina’s mom’s house but went to Tina’s house. The tank emptied while I was driving, and I realized it when I was screaming at a stop sign. I went into Tina’s house, made sure no one needed anything from me, then laid down on her couch.

Me: I’m putting myself in the kennel because I’m cranky.

Tina: Good plan. (Tina KNOWS. Oooooh, she knows.)

E: Whaa? (I explain to her the morning bitch monster thing.)

Later on, I start giving her crap about something. She looked at me, crinkled her eyebrows, and told me to get in the kennel. E is pretty win.

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I Made A Circus Freak

fancy corgi

Required Monthly Corgi

I used to work at the public library here in my hometown. I worked with this adorable high school girl who I think is turning into an incredible young woman. Anyway, she moved to East Moose Screw, Canada. She was at the library visiting yesterday.

Okay that is a strange place to start the story, but this is a strange story so stick with me.

Many many years ago I babysat a little girl. She was blonde with these huge blue eyes, and we spent a lot of time doing things like making fun of Nelly Furtado videos, having adventures at the park, playing Neopets, and being creative weirdos. She was the sweetest, weirdest little girl. Her parents were also the kindest people I have ever met in my life. They showed me a generosity that I hope to be able to share one day. I’m also going to dedicate a book to them. I know which one, I just have to finish writing it.

Okay, back to yesterday, the Canadian Moose Screw girl had made a quick trip to the states and was in our library, and I went there talk to her a bit. They were there waiting on the girl I used to babysit. I told Autumn (Canadian Moose Screw Girl) a story about babysitting Courtney. She told me Courtney had to get it from somewhere. I had to ask a few questions about what she meant by it. She clarified by saying, “You know, her weirdness.”I was pleased to have spread the weird.

Later, Courtney arrived, still blonde with huge blue eyes. We got to talking. She does pole dancing (acrobatic not stripping), aerial silks, stilt walking, and performs at drag shows. I got about ten different kinds of excited because she had turned into a circus freak, but in the best possible way. She also told me I helped shape her weird.

I realized I helped make a circus freak.

It was one of my proudest moments in my life. I mean, who aside from circus professors (there is such a thing) and the parents of circus performers can say they made a circus freak? Not many, that’s who. My influence helped make the world a little more weird and beautiful and that is all I want from my life, to make things more weird and beautiful. I think I can count this as a win.

In truth, I’m proud of her because she turned out strong, brave, smart, and a total firecracker. I had nothing to do with that, like I said, she had exceptional parents, and she was all ready incredible when I met her. I am going to claim the circus freak part though. I will steal my wins if I have to.

 

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I Love My Life

BLOOOD

I’m hoping that is mud. Or blood. Or anything aside from what I am hoping it is not.

So, I know I have been kinda melancholy lately, not like depressed or wanting to cut myself to prove to myself I’m alive or anything, but just not my normal fucked up cheery self. I had been frustrated and stressed and worried. Blah Blah Blah. Today, I had one of those simple glorious moments that slayed my melancholy and made me fall back madly in love with my life. It also proved, once again, that Tina is way more awesome than me.

Lemme set the scene: The Viking had an important thing today, and my curiosity killed all of my recent attempts to be less all overly attached girlfriend.” (See bottom of post for explanation of meme reference. I understand some of you aren’t as win at the internet as I am.) So, I sent him a text asking how things went, then I went about my day doing awesome because I am awesome. An hour later I checked my phone and found six texts.

Text one was from The Viking assuring me he is almost as awesome as I am.

This is a transcripts of the rest of what happened:

Text 2: Tina: Do you ever have one of those moments when you step out to grab the mail and one of the neighehood stray cats (that happens to be black) bolts in as you

Text 3: Still Tina: open the door and while handling the ensuing mayhem you find the crystal ball you lost months ago and there’s really (not) much else you can do at that point

Text 4: but light a white candle and ponder the absurdities of life?

Text 5: Tina: Just Me?

Text 6: Tina: …Awkward…

That in its self is pretty awesome. I managed to give Tina more opportunity to show how much cooler than she is than me.

The first text I sent was  in response to The Viking.

I bet they were impressed with your sexy beastness.

I hit send. My phone told me message was sent to Tina.  I immediately hit the red hang-up button and swore profusely then texted her explaining it was meant for him. Her response:

That was an epic mt. (mistell, it is gamer speak.)

Although, I have been wondering how people are responding to my sexy beastness for quite some time.

 

 

This is why her win cup is fuller than mine.

 

This is an example of the overly attached girlfriend meme. This is what I don’t want to be.

 

 

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Wibbly Wobbly

giraffe baby smile

So goofy looking, it is cute. That seems to be the theme among all of my favorite animals.

< That makes me happy. The giraffe-y face of melty happiness. He is yet another wonderful thing I got from Kathleen.

This week my blogs have been exceedingly uninspired or rants. They haven’t been up to what I normally write. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and I’ve had plenty going on. I am just not sure how much goes here.

I’ve always said that I try to be open and honest here. I still believe in that principle, but sometimes I have to decide what is for here and what isn’t. Oddly enough the woman who will talk about PMS and pubic hair does have boundaries of what I consider private. I’m trying to figure them out.

If a thing is just about me, I have few qualms about sharing them. I am willing to accept any consequences of my decision to believe in openness. I’ve lived with decision for a year now. The things going on in my life involve other people right now, and I try desperately to not encroach on the privacy of those I love.

Plus, things are jumbly in my mind. I alternate between these moments of great forward motion, clarity, and understanding and these times of jumbliness in my own mind. (I made up all of those variations of the word jumble. I know they aren’t real. Whatcha gunna do about it?) I need to sort through the bits and put them were they go. The good news is that the pieces have changed very little since the last time I put them into order. I also know what I need to be doing to get things back into order. It is the same things I always need to do.

I spend a lot of time feeling like a dumbass because I do have to look at the bits in my life and figure out where they go. It always seems normal folks don’t have to do that. They know what is up in their worlds and what to do next. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have that certainty. I’m beginning to see that most people have moments of “what the fuck am I doing?!?,” but we don’t notice because we are so wrapped up in our own moments. I don’t think I am really all that abnormal; I just don’t cover it as well.

I took on this mantle of total weirdo a long time ago. I thought for the longest time that I was drastically different from others. Even after a year of exploring how I am not different from other people, I have a hard time understanding that I am pretty normal. I was just absent the day we learned we weren’t supposed to acknowledge how weird we felt. I also grasped on to the idea of strangeness like an armor or a flag. If I wasn’t going to feel like I fit in, then I was going to revel in my differences. I took it on as an identity, and it became like a cataract blinding me to my likeness to other people.

I don’t know. Like I said, I’m a jumbly mess with lots of thoughts.

 

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Fracking Freaking Frick

I offer this as a consolation gift for being terrible

Okay, here are a few problems. I have been bitten by every bug in central Oklahoma and mobbed by every speck of pollen. The pollen came carrying clubs because pollens are assholes. I had to consume copious amounts of antihistamines so I don’t scrape off all of my skin with my razor sharp switch blade fingernails, and my head didn’t explode.   I emptied my rage bars with yesterday’s blog.  In short, I am loopy as hell and depleted.

Honestly, right now all I can think about is how shiny the Viking is, the good book I’m reading, seeing my nieces and nephew tomorrow, and waking up early in the morning. None of those things make good blogs.

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The New “F-Word”

Okay. okay, hold on to your hats cats and kittens, we are about to have another feminist rant.

This spawns from a Facebook thing between the lovely women at Rock The Slut Vote and another well written fellow feminist Wendy Gittleson, who wrote a blog about the use of the words slut and vagina.

She is not wrong. Women are more than “sluts” and “vaginas” and the campaign is extreme and inflammatory. I happen to like it, but I have a flair for the dramatic. What got me typing a long comment response was when Ms. Gittleson responded to the RTSV ladies with this comment:

And I wish you the best, but I believe you are preaching to the choir. The women we need are the ones that see sisterhood with Ann Romney, and they’re already scared of the word ‘feminism.’ Slut and vagina are words. I have proudly called myself a slut at times. I’ve also called men sluts. To me, it’s never been a particularly offensive word, but it’s still just a word. Vagina is just a body part. I want to be respected for my brain, for my contributions to society. If I, as someone who has been following your movement from day one, have a hard time seeing the focus of your message, imagine how women who are afraid of feminism are feeling? It also begs the other question, why are we letting Rush Limbaugh set our agenda?

Oh, I went to typing at that. The RTSV responded with everything I would have said anyway.

Rush Limbaugh is such a small part of the agenda. The media is much more focused on him than we are.

No one is going to convert the women who are conservative, Republican or who support Ann Romney — certainly no amount of conversation, no matter how well-spoken or rational, will make any difference. (Isn’t it the GOP that is committed to converting and monitoring the morality of women? It is their party that pushes conversion, not ours!

We are not here to convert anyone, and it will never be part of our agenda. We are here to increase awareness, help ensure women are registered to vote, and to preach to the choir, keep them engaged, help them mobilize others, and make a difference in November.

We are two women, Kimberley Johnson and myself, simply finding our voice in the midst of the insane attack on American women. Together with our troops, we will all make whatever contribution we can.

Women are a huge, diverse group. Some women will never agree with feminism on any level. These are the same women who teach girls that it our responsibility to be chaste and proper. They teach girls that men are dumb animals who can’t control their base urges, but in the next breath teach girls that men are superior and should be dominant.

We teach them it is okay to be objects, to be regulated, to be marginalized, and to be abused. Girls learn that their most important value is in their sexual attractiveness, but they should never give in to those men they attract until they have sealed the deal.  We teach girls to accept weakness and insecurity in men and to be weak and insecure themselves. I have heard, in 2012, that women have to dumb themselves down and be less funny, powerful, and witty in order to catch a man. No one ever tells those women that the men they catch will be insecure and unworthy of them.

There are men out there who love intelligent, passionate, funny women. If you have to wait to find one, so be it.

I understand the hesitation to wave the banner of feminism. I was reluctant to answer it for a long time. But I got pissed off. That is what we need to do. We need to get pissed off. We need to write. We need to educate. We need to vote.

I am going to say this again, because this is vital for feminism. We need to stop the in fighting amongst women. We need to learn to respect each others choices. It is rough. We fight so hard to decide what is right for us. We struggle to defend our decisions against the rest of the world, and when we see someone making the opposite decision, we want to call them wrong.

How do we handle things like the beginning of the blog? Like they handled it. It was mature discussion about differences of ideas. We don’t have to like each other. We just have to acknowledge that we are fighting the same fight. There is room for all kinds of women in feminism. We just have to take a lead from the amazing Ani DiFranco and shut up and be nice. Focus on what needs to be done

This sums up my feelings on douchey politicians fighting to get all up in my lady business.

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