Dec 25

Lady Gaga, Cards Against Humanity, and Being Full of Awful

First and foremost, my gentle readers, Merry Effing Christmas!

Let me start this blog out properly and show you what my sister got me:

She said it was a re-gift of a re-gift that she wanted to re-gift to someone who would appreciate it. I think it is flipping awesome. I own a Lady Gaga toothbrush BITCHES.

So, I got a singing toothbrush.

And sweat pants

Yep, my Christmas is that win.

Sunday, my friend Jennifer Had a Christmas Eve Eve party. It was about 75 kinds of awesome. I played my first game of Cards Against Humanity. I only won three rounds. I used to think I was a terrible person deep in my soul. Sunday confirmed that I’m only sorta bad. Maybe my friends are just crazy evil douche bags.

We also got to explore my very limited gansta rap knowledge.

I have been so busy.

I was incredibly creatively depleted before going to Tina’s house on Thursday. I haven’t really tried writing again since I have been so busy, but I feel the thinking happening.

Writing is a strange thing. It separates us from people in someways, mostly because we get so trapped in our heads that we forget how to have basic human interaction. It is necessary to get slip into that stage sometimes. We also need human interaction. We need to have busy times and go forth and be around multiple groups of people. We need to laugh, have deep conversations, get drunk and take stupid pictures, and we need to be ourselves, not just our writer selves.

I’m thankful for all of the wonderful people who help pull me out of my head, help me sort what is in my head, try to understand me, argue with me, inspire me, and be wonderful sparks in the stories in my head.

Thank you for sharing your stories and your lives with me. That is how you feed a writer. (Lasagna doesn’t hurt either, though.)

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Dec 22

uuuuh

Okay, here’s the deal. I had a lady date with Tina last night. Turns out sangria is my arch nemesis. Everything I have to do today aside from blogging can and should be done after 10pm.

I’m hung over as balls. It was totally worth it.

I’m taking a nap. I might talk to you cats on Tuesday, I might not.

Have a Merry Christmas full of joy, safety, and wildly inappropriate Christmas carols.

OHHHH Happy Day After the End of the World!!!

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Dec 18

I Don’t Think that is How that Goes

I HATE YOUR FUVKING FACE

I HATE YOUR FUVKING FACE

I might have a had a little bit of an attitude problem today.

By that, I mean I had a tremendous attitude problem today.

I try my best to be upbeat and positive but sometimes I am pretty fail. Today I was gloriously fail. In my defense, I had to talk to people within ten minutes of being up and without coffee.

I *might* be feeling a bit scattered. I spent Sunday night pacing my bedroom floor with sharpies and crayons in my hand between fits of furiously scribbling on paper bag skins and old wrapping paper I had taped to my door. I have about three lists going.

Don’t get me wrong; these things aren’t bad. They just mean I’m busy in my head. I’m a little less flexible when I’m busy in my head. (Also, I might have been a bit high off of sharpie fumes.)

So this morning I wake up to a situation that had the potential to mess with my list and plans. My reaction is

Yep.

I’m pretty sure I sent Tina a text message saying that in all caps. Which leads me to my point in all of this: Tina is a fuvking saint.

I’m a drama queen, but I find myself funny while being a drama queen.

First: holy shit got autocorrected to holy shiv in a text to her one day. I loved it and took it as mine. Today, I was in the super Wal-mart and I sent her a text message with fuvking (I was very angry when I typed it). We are keeping it forever.

She called me to make sure I haven’t eaten any souls, because I was just that bitchy, but by the end of the call we were laughing. She made me feel better about walking through Wal-mart mutter singing Christmas carols with the words changed to include evisceration and annoyance at the impossibly stoned kids standing in front of the chocolate chips.

That’s right. I made violated Christmas carols into some unholy mess about cutting a bitch.

I am much calmer now. Tina is still a saint. I just wish I could remember the words to those awesome songs.

I don’t know that any of this had a point or a moral, other than, we all need a person to help us laugh at our crazy.

Sharpies smell really good.

 

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Dec 15

With a Heavy Heart

At times like these, we should listen to the wisdom of quiet heroes.

At times like these, we should listen to the wisdom of quiet heroes.

I had promised myself I wasn’t going to write about the shootings in Connecticut yesterday, but it weighs too heavy on my heart. I have a lot of things I think and feel about what happened. Most everyone does. Sadness and horror and gut wrenching sympathy for the town of Newton pervade my thoughts. I cannot imagine. It is simple as that, I cannot imagine.

The second major thought is a fear we will react to this tragedy out of our intense pain and terror. When something this unbelievable happens we want answers and justice and something to make us feel safe. We want to make sense. There is no sense. We want to rant and rave and to fix things. It is hard to see clearly when there is so much emotion involved.

Today, focus on what you can do to help heal yourself and those around you. Help the victims. I’ll link whatever aid ideas I can find at the end. Call the people you love. Pray your heart out if it makes you feel more calm and at peace. The only thing we have to do as a nation right now is heal.

It is so easy to turn this into a political or social issue right now. It is how we handle fear and pain. I beg you to not do that or attack others. Focus on yourself and those around you, and, when we have calmer heads, then turn to the bigger picture.

My instincts tell me to meet this with love. I don’t see how a little bit of that could hurt right now.

It looks like the Huffington Post did my work for me. Here is a link to their article about how to help.

Be kind today.

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Dec 13

Being Awesome is a Full Time Job

Cuuute baby corgi

Required Monthly Corgi

I don’t think it would surprise anyone to find out I was in a rut. It wasn’t a big drama rut, but I had a few months there of feeling the exact opposite of awesome. I was happy (except for that one really bad spell), but I was really down on myself. I think we all have those periods where we feel like we are not nearly all that we should be. The little insecurity demons eat at the corners of our minds, and even when we are happy we don’t feel like we are enough.

What enough is changes by circumstances. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough writer, like I’m writing enough, trying hard enough, like I’m good enough for my dreams. For other people, enough is different, like good enough mother, sexy enough, smart enough, fast enough, or any of billions of other value judgements. Enough is a douchebag. (Also, I wrote it and said it in my head so much, it no longer sounds like a real word. Perfect.)

I struggle with enough. I think we all struggle with enough. I don’t know a single person who feels like we are exactly what we should be. Fuck enough. I’m done with enough. It can kiss my day-glo white ass.

I will spend my life battling enough, but instead of trying to force myself to it’s impossible standards, I’m going to fight the insecurity and self-loathing it inspires in my head.

I AM enough.

On that note, I put up our wonderful tree today. Last year, we bought a little bitty 32 inch fiber optic pre-lit tree. It is not at all traditional and slightly tacky, but it makes me gloriously happy.  Every time I see it, I can’t help but grin. It is something small and fun, but also wonderful in it’s own strange right. Add into that I’m working diligently on finishing Christmas gifts, I’m feeling my Grumpy Cat Christmas spirit.

Speaking of Christmas spirit, I almost forgot I made this gem last year.

May your season be merry and bright. And super nerdy sexy

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Dec 11

I Did Things Today and I’m Continuing to do Them

A design by Tina

A design by Tina

Okay, I’m not even going to apologize for not blogging like I should. Bitch, I’ve been busy. So, busy might be a strong word, but can I blame it on the holidays and call it good?

My hands are covered in clay smutz right now because I am the most awesome girlfriend ever. I’m taking a break from claying things and being awesome in general to write a little bit about my day and assuage my guilt about being a shitty blogger as of late.

So, my little circus freak called me to meet for lunch today. I am so proud of that woman. She is twice as brave and together as I was at 21. I also felt super old, though. It was nothing she did; it was all the shit I was saying. At some point in the 8 months the Viking and I have been together, I have become one of those people who says things like “wait for the one who is worthy of you” and “focus on enjoying life” and worst of all, “you’re still young.” WTF. When did I become that people? It’s true, but still.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, and if I could give bits of that happy out to people I would. Instead I have to tell them the trite but true shit like: you will be happy when you finally accept yourself, or loving yourself brings love to you. All of it is true. I’m so happy now because I finally let myself be who I really am. My writing got better because I put myself into it. I live with vulnerability and acceptance of the chance of pain and failure because I finally understand that is the only way to truly live.

I’m happy because I finally love with every molecule of my body even if it might not be returned. I hate saying shit like that because it sounds cheesy as hell but it is true.

So, I had to go to the Super Wal-mart today, and the closer we get to Christmas the more I dread the place. I always am a little jealous of the people I can tell are inebriated. Today, I drank about two ounces of cheap white trash wine before I went. It was not enough to get me drunk or even feel, and I’m pretty sure it was all placebo effect, but if it means I have a more pleasant shopping experience, bring on the mind tricks.

I have more awesome to clay, or at least scrape from out under my nails. I can’t wait to be able to show people what I’m making. BEST NERD GIRLFRIEND EVER!

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Dec 04

Okay, I’m Right, so the Frel What?

Okay, let’s add to a theme, this morning I went on Facebook before I had coffee. I’ve seen time after time why this is a terrible idea. I keep doing it. Will I never learn? Prolly not.

So, this morning I logged on to Facebook and saw this on my timeline:

Passive agressive BS

Seriously?

My sleep befuddled brain immediately started growling. Let me explain. I’m a huge supporter of our service men and women, and I love my country very much. I love my country, and I work to make it better. I cry every time I hear the  National Anthem. I’m a pretty big patriot in my own way. I also know my history.

“Under God” or “In God We Trust” wasn’t added to anything until the Communist debacle. The Red Scare is a stain on our history of people allowing ignorance and fear control them into hurting others. Our country was founded on religious freedom, and I believe strongly in that freedom, for all religions, not just Christianity. (As long as no one else’s freedoms are infringed upon and the like.) Also, many of the men who built this country where Deists, which is not a Christian.

(No, believe it or not, I don’t hate Christians. I actually think Christ had some amazing teachings.)

The last line implies that any good American will re-post the picture, and anyone who doesn’t is a baby-eating, God hating, pinko commie. I had my sleepy dander all up.

I went and found articles about the addition of the the words in question to the Pledge of Allegiance. I thought about my wording. I was going to try and be tactful and non-confrontational. I stopped myself though. It was this person’s personal Facebook. They can post whatever they want without being harassed, even if I was right.

I wrote out a post of my own about being proud of myself for not commenting, but I erased it. Turns out, I was being a douche bag. I am right. The post is obnoxious and implies some inaccuracies. Yes, Jesus was born in the summer, and Christmas is just the assimilation of pagan holidays in an attempt to make conversation easier. Yes, Christmas trees are actually pagan traditions brought to England in the Victorian era. I know my history. Good for me.

Truth is, facts are irrelevant in this situation. When I reply to anything like that in an attempt to “educate” the person, I’m being as big of an ass as they are. It is me trying to prove my superiority. There is a reason kids get the shit kicked out of them when they do that, it’s obnoxious.

Besides, I have a hard enough time not making an ass out of myself without trying to police others.

 

 

 

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Dec 01

Return to Middle

So, I’m going to be totally honest right now. I have no idea where today’s blog is going to go. My mind is a bit jumbly. Conventional wisdom says I should free write somewhere private, then condense those ideas into a post that I have thoroughly edited and proofread before posting for the world to see. I laugh in conventional wisdom’s face. My readers don’t come to this site for things like high quality writing or correct punctuation, though, I’m not entirely sure why people read this stuff.

(First, before I try to go into depth about anything, there is an effing fly in my room driving me batshit.)

This week has been sort of awesome for me in strange existential ways. First, I started writing again. I’m not being a word churning demon, but I’m producing again. It feels glorious. I feel like I have less worth and less interesting when I’m not writing. I know, it is crazy, but this is thirty years of deep rooted crazy I’m trying to conquer. It will take some time.

Mostly though, I have spent a lot of time thinking about worth, vulnerability, genuineness, and image. It kinda got started by this. Click the link. CLICK THE LINK. It made me weep but in a good way.

I’ve said it before, people are starved for genuine connection. We spend so much of our lives worrying about image, avoiding vulnerability, and trying to be something someone else decided they should be that we get lost in the mix. I spent all of my adult life, until a year and a half ago, being so terrified people would see the real me and hate it I kept myself tightly contained. It was hard to get close to me, and I never felt worthy. I constantly felt like a fraud.

Hey, guess what, most people feel like that.

It makes me so said that we live in a society so obsessed with normal and fitting in that no one feels right in their own skin. Our culture encourages to avoid risking vulnerability and rewards people for being able to sublimate themselves into being some strange norm. We think anything less than perfect is unworthy.

Some people are mostly normal, though I’m not entirely sure what that means. If it who you are, rock it. If you worry about small things like the kind of car you drive or whether your kid’s hair is perfect because of some strange ideal, you are growing a deep seed of self-loathing. Let go. People will always judge us. Not everyone will like us. Everyone liking us or thinking we fit  into some ideal won’t make us happy, loving ourselves will.

I looked at my mom the other day and said “I think advertising is the root of all that is wrong with American culture.” She just rolled her eyes and told me she didn’t want to have that conversation with me. Okay, I don’t strictly believe the statement. It is a bit melodramatic. I do think there is some truth in it though.

We are inundated with messages about how if we buy something we are somehow better. No one will love us if we don’t have perfectly white teeth. This sleek, sophisticated, beautiful woman buys great gifts. If you shop at these stores, you will be like her. If you buy your kids the right toys/shoes/clothes/technology they will be smarter/higher achievers/ love you more. At least the Axe commercials don’t even try to pretend they aren’t selling a ridiculous idea. These things don’t make you better. They don’t add to your worth. Only you can add to your worth.

I do see some amazing rays of hope. The internet fell in love with the cop who bought the homeless man some boots. I saw one of the major channels is having an awards show for people who gave. We are moving back to a society that values things like basic human goodness. Celebrate the happy and the goodness. Every time you link a good story you encourage that trend. Every small act of kindness counts. Everyone counts.

Okay. I think I’m done rambling.

 

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Nov 27

Livin’ on the Edge

That's a nice pink bike there

Because, screw you, that’s why

So, I have this bad habit of looking at Facebook before I’ve had my coffee, which means I respond to everything wrong. I try desperately not to post or respond to anything but sometimes I fail.

This morning, I was groggily checking my page, and I saw a very newly pregnant friend posted that she was eating everything because she was just so hungry. She’s growing a human; it takes some energy.  One of her male friends wrote  she needed to be careful so she could get her girlish figure back after  the baby. I damn near ripped his throat out.

I took a few deep breaths and ranted to said friend somewhere private then came over here and started an angry blog. Before I could finish, I found out it was the guy’s attempt at lame humor, and I decided I should wait until I’ve had coffee before I rant.

I’ve had coffee, and a little part of me still wants to rip the dude’s throat out.

I’m a fat girl. I never attempt to hide it. I don’t lie to myself and say I’m pleasantly plump. I’m fat.

Get the fuck over it.

Fat hate is one of the last bastions of acceptable prejudices. It is socially  acceptable to be down right cruel to overweight people.  It pisses me off.

People think it is okay because us “fatties” can fix it, but we only don’t, because we’re lazy or lack self-control. That could simply not be true.  There is no way you can know if they have a glandular problem, medication issues, emotional issues, or any number of factors. You judge them purely on personal prejudice.

Let’s say someone is overweight because they are just fat and lazy. Does that mean it is okay to judge them? Does that make it copacetic to be cruel? Does every other thing about that person have no value because of those flaws? Does beauty and fitness make someone so superior that they no longer have to worry about being a decent human being? Being an asshole is a choice, too.

Being obese is bad. I know I’m not healthy. Every single person who is overweight knows it. This isn’t new to us. Fat shaming doesn’t help. It has been proven. (Go use your Google, I just did.) I know personally that it doesn’t help. I used food as an emotional coping tool, and still do sometimes, unfortunately. Making me feel bad, unwanted, or disgusting doesn’t help me have a better relationship with food or my body. The only thing that will give me a healthy relationship with food and my body is a shit ton of emotional work, which fat shaming actually derails. All fat shaming does is serve to further hurt, isolate, and deride the person, and gives the person doing the fat shaming a sense of superiority.

Fat girls also know when someone tells us about our weight for our own good or comments on our diet for our health, they are acting on their own fat hate. We know what we are doing is bad. We don’t feel like we can publicly criticize everyone else for their faults or say hurtful things for the well being of others. If you are truly concerned about someone you love’s weight and health, make the conversation about health and not weight. Think about saying, “we should start going for walks after dinner,” instead of “your putting on a lot of weight, you should exercise,” or “maybe we should try eating more healthfully,” instead of “you need to lay off the chocolate and the cheese, Tubby.”

I’m working on getting myself straightened out. The first thing I had to do is learn to love myself. I’m not saying I don’t have days where my self loathing isn’t so massive I nearly drown in it, but most days, I genuinely love who I am, and it pisses people off.

I think that is my best victory; refusing to hate myself and be miserable.

I wish people of all shapes and sizes could feel like that.

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Nov 24

Black Death Whiny Butt

Close Enough

Okay, I know the week of exhausted is over. I made it look easy with, you know, all my whining. I’m such a trooper. Next week, I was supposed to go to Tina’s and drink cheap white trash wine and be awesome.

Yesterday, I woke up with a sore throat and my sinuses felt blargh, but I missed the crap out of my kids, so I went over to my sisters. I spent the day throwing around children of various ages and sizes. It was a blast. On the way home, I spent an hour and half stuck on I-44 with my bored mother because of a terrible accident. I got home and curled up from exhaustion.

This morning I woke up feeling like black death. I think it is just a sinus infection, but yes, black death. I am a big fan of hyperbole. (My loved ones feel particularly lucky for that one.)Moving my eyeballs around too much makes my head hurt. Seriously, I’m not exaggerating that shit.

The pisser of it all, aside from you suckers having to read this, is that I can’t go to Tina’s like this. I love her. I couldn’t do this to her. I mean, I don’t think this is communicable, but I do know no one should have to put up with a sick me unless they have to.  I just want to curl in a ball and have someone tell me I’m pretty, and they love me. (Another thing I wish I was joking about.)  She already has two and a half small children (her husband has his moments.)

I’m hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling miraculously better. I think the chances are better I will wake up famous tomorrow.  Or rich.

Damnit, I’ve moved my eyeballs too much.

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