Aug 16

So Then I Said…

So sometimes when I try to think of something interesting, creative, and/or profound to say my brain halts. Alternately, sometimes when I have been focusing really hard on something for a long time my brain halts. Sometimes someone really not interesting is talking to me or someone whom is normally interesting but I am sick, tired, and/or nearly brain dead is talking to me, my bran halts. Now it doesn’t go lack or stop all together but it goes back to a repetitious thought, image, or scene that I think of as my brain’s screensaver. My brain’s screen saver changes from time to time and I have no real choice in what it is. Right now it is the voice of the professor from “Futurama” saying “Good news everyone, I (something relevant to the situation at hand).”

I nearly started today’s blog with “Good news everyone, it is Tuesday and I have to write a blog.” I felt that would be a bit random so I decided to explain why it would have started like that. In the process of explaining my brain’s screensaver I think I might have accidentally shown you guys a corner of my psyche I probably should have kept to myself.  It isn’t like you guys didn’t know that I am strange but sometimes I like to pretend that you don’t know just how strange I truly am.  My brain’s other screensaver right now is Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” Who am I kidding, most of you cats who read this have known me for years and have had conversations with me when I was exceedingly sleepy/drunk/hyper/or sick and therefore was unable to maintain my shiny veneer of being at least remotely human. My true friends are people who have seen me after I haven’t slept in 48 hours and I have ingested ungodly amounts of sugar and caffeine just to keep mobile and love me anyway.  Or those who have heard my many plots to take over the world and still hang out with me.  Sometimes when I am bored, for sport, I come up with ways to take over the world. It is just for those times when I am sick of having imaginary conversations with the people around me.

I got back to writing last night after two weeks of either being sick or in a strange short funk.  Honestly, I didn’t want to hang out with my characters for a few days. I think about people talking about characters being like writer’s children and every mommy I know has days where they want nothing to do with their kids. So, I consider those two days that I did not want to write my characters as like sending your kids to grandma’s house for the weekend. Last night it was really nice to get back in there again and like them all again. Maybe I shouldn’t fight the urge to duct tape their mouths and shove them in a closet.  I am learning this writing process thing as I go along. It’s an adventure!

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Aug 13

[Random Intriguing Word Here]

I have spent since Thursday morning living in sick word.  It is a fascinating land. Okay, I lie. Mostly I have been sleeping and reading. I have read four books. (They were small young adult fantasy, so really 2 books.)I will get out of bed to eat or to look at the interwebz for a bit but not much else. Today I ran to the store to pick up a few things because there was nothing I wanted here. It wore me out and part of me really wants a nap. The other part of me is annoyed and feels like a total wuss.

I really do not want to spend an entire post bitching about being sick.  So, I am going to write about something else briefly then  call it good.

Jaunty cape This amused me. I like being amused. I also found a picture of a baby long red haired  wienie dog in chain mail. It also amused me but I am not posting it here.

Mostly I am amused by the use of the word wenches. Well, that and the fact that they are HUGE wenches.  I could take this picture to so many bad places but I won’t because I just won’t. Maybe I shouldn’t write blogs while I am sick.

I mean it could be fascinating but then again it could be forever scarring.

“Nice jaunty antenna you have there or are you just happy to see me.”

No really, I’m done.

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Aug 09

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I found a review of my website in a book. It called my blog innovative, honest, funny, and a worthy read. I know there are no books that review blogs but it was a dream, several other things happened in it that weren’t real. In my dream, I was so elated.  I tried to explain to someone last night why blogging is more than pure narcissism and that it actually means something.  I know some people will never understand why this site means to me and why I am so willing to give up so much privacy to the mass world of the interwebz.

I spent so much of my early life trying to hide so much of myself. I was so closed off. I felt like I was too different to be anything of any worth. I was just too much and at the same time distinctly not enough. I always put too much pressure on myself to be something different or better than what I was. (I still do this.) I tried changing myself to fit everyone else and failed miserably. I couldn’t even fake being like other people, so I developed a coping mechanism in which I would find the part of my personality that was the most acceptable in that social situation and only show that side. I was completely myself with very few people because I felt I had to be careful what everyone saw of me. High school was a bitch and sometimes I feel like I actually started in college.

In college, I started to relax this but it took a long time. I faked it a lot at first. I decided before the first day of class I was going to talk to everyone and start over from who I was in high school and become who I wanted to be. Ironically, I met one of my best friends on that first day of college in front of our Art Survey class, we just didn’t know we were going to be best friends until a few years later. By the the last time I left college I think I was pretty good at being me. I still freak out about not doing enough or being good enough but I think that is just a core part of who I am.

I still had the tendency to be very controlling about how I showed myself. I know this part of the grown up world. I know everyone worries about appearance and presentation. I hate it. Sometimes I can manipulate parts of my personality to fit what the situation needs but I really hate it. I hate the feeling that I am going to stumble and my real personality is going to burst through. I am no good at containing what I naturally am, as a matter of fact, it makes me miserable. People tell me that not being careful about what I show or write will make my life more difficult. Trust me I know. I spent many years of my life trying to be more normal, more quiet, less reading and more sports, more make-up and high heels and less flip-flops and stupid skirts. I tried. I can’t do it. This is what  I am and trying to be anything different leads to failure.

This does relate to the the beginning, I promise. Why this blog is so important to me is because it is so very part of me. This is my place to get over those last bits of not good enough or too freaking weird. This is my place to test myself against my fear of vulnerability. This is were I learned that I am strange but I am so a like so many people. This is the one place I get to write straight out.

I have been sluggish on my book. I wrote the first twenty-five pages like I had demons in  my fingers. Lately, I have been using every excuse in the book not to write or when I do write it is forced and uncomfortable.  I think it is because I have been writing with my brain so much lately. I have been writing my blog with my brain and the book is all about the brain. I think I needed to write straight out. I needed to write something that wasn’t so controlled by my brain. I need to write on occasion without thinking about the purpose or the structure or the readability. I think I get like a balloon full of pudding. I get so strained from thinking and trying to produce and be and say and do the right thing that I feel like if I hit a corner too hard I am going to pop.

This place means so much to me and my friends who read this mean more to me because they provide me with a place to be everything I am unrestrained and uncensored. Rarely when I write here do I feel not enough or that I need to be different. Here I feel the most like I am the me that my closest friends see. I think every once in awhile the balloon needs to pop. Sometimes my heart needs to take over so I can get back to reveling in the joy of pure creativity and writing with my brain.

My life is a constant struggle for balance, like everyone one else, but I even have to do that different.

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Aug 06

All the Best Things

It is 8:33 at night and I have no clue what to write. Let me rephrase that: I have ideas about what I should write but I have dismissed them. There is the ever present “why right now has the potential to change the the fundamentals of American history” but I am not feeling as fiery brimstone pulpit about that right now. I could write about recent self discoveries, but, honestly, none of them are that big or interesting. I could flip out about the credit down grade. I could pick out something from pop culture right now and make fun of it. Jersey Shore is one of the big headlines on msn.com today. My snark glands are feeling kind of empty.  I am just feeling content right now.

So whenever I sit down and write I do a lot of thinking about what I should write and toss out ideas as they pop into my head. I ask myself things like “is that too cheesy and pollyanna?” or “have I bitched about that a lot lately?” because I know I tend to be very bright side of things type person. I am feeling very bright side right now. I also know when something is making me miserable or pissing me off, I am like a lion with a thorn in its paw. Tina pointed out to me that my writing has been very centered on the heat lately. She told me my writing was still good (probably because she was afraid of me going nuts from heat insanity) but it would be awesome when I got my air conditioner in today because my writing scope would widen back out.  Well, the reason I am so bright side right now is because I finally have an air conditioner in my room. For the first time all summer, I can sit at my computer and write and be comfortable. I am sitting in a chilled room with a comfortable bed, my computer desk, and my books. I am incredibly content right now. Tonight I will be able to sleep with covers on.  I know that these thing having such a great effect on me makes me a bit silly and simple but I am happy. After my brain re-engages, I can get back to writing like a crazy person because being too hot to write bugged me. My life is good.

I know we are verging on a major political crisis right now. I know the credit downgrade could potentially rain hellfire and destruction on our economy. I know there are enumerable amounts of bad things going on right now in the world. I know in the grand scheme of things my air conditioner does nothing but help destroy the earth. All of that is true. I can’t do anything about the politics right now that I haven’t done. I stay informed and I think about them. I vote and sometimes I go apeshit and I write about them. My honest belief is that if people chill the hell out and take a page from Douglas Adams’ Hitchhikers’s Guide to the Galaxy and don’t panic (and bring a towel) this current economic crisis is weather-able.  I don’t agree with George Wills on many things but I do agree with him when he talks about how the economy and stock market are effected by psychology and perception. I feel like I have tried to look at the world as honestly as I can and I am not ignoring the bad. There is just nothing I can fix right now.

So, I am making the decision to be happy. I am going to enjoy my cool contentment and be excited for when I can dive back into writing. It might not be profound, or even interesting reading, but it is nice way to be.

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Aug 04

Insomnia and Butterflies

Today I went stepped out on my front porch to grab my mail and there was a butterfly on the mailbox. He flew off then came back in and landed on my shirt and shilled there for a moment. I am being stalked by butterflies. It is probably a good thing but definitely a strange thing.

This morning I finally fell asleep at about 5am, then I slept the kind poets write sonnets about. It was glorious. I had some really strange dream, two of which I remember with movie like clarity. One was just a strange my brain telling me what is stressing my subconscious dream and the other one was just strange. I think it needs to become a short story. I think after I write this blog post I am going to set up my laptop in the air conditioning and write it all down. It was weird. It had time travel, thought police, an apocalypse, nature going nuts, and seal pups. Oh and there was a Burger King. It is not like my normal back living in the dorms, forgetting to go to any of my classes then having to take a final dreams. It was just… bizarre.

So I haven’t been getting to sleep until early morning, if at all, lately. It is a summer thing, especially this unholy summer.  This means I spend a lot of time alone in my own head. It is a scary scary thing. I spend a lot of time having fake conversations with people in my head. One of the most common people is Ellen DeGeneres because she is my favorite talk show host. I have conversations with my friends and family. Sometimes I write things in my head and they stay there because I am too lazy to turn back on my computer. Generally when I wake up the next morning, I realize it is a good thing. I mean we nearly averted a spoken word poetry incident. Sometimes I create funny scenarios in my head or just follow ridiculous thought tracks until a winding twisting end. The common theme is that I know that they are amusing and I should get them down for posterity, or at least for the amusement of others, but whenever I try to remember ANY of it, it blinks away. It is like that speck floating in the pool, you try to grab it and it floats away and no matter what technique you try it still always gets away. Those are my late night conversations with myself. I do remember the less interesting things like this morning trying to remember the name of the creator of “Spawn” and only coming up with Todd. (I looked it up, no worries) I laid in bed thinking and wracking my brain trying to come up with it. I have no idea why that thought even came into my head.

So, now I know some of you are being all judgey in y0ur heads about me being so open about my middle of the night weirdness in my brain. Stop. I know you do it. Everyone on the face of the planet has fake conversations in their head. Most normal people do it to prepare for difficult conversation, I just happen to do it for sport. Here is a fantastic thing. Generally, most of your really strange shit that you do or think, most other people do too. That is the glorious thing about being a blogger is that not only do you write about your strange shit, but you know someone else out there has done the same thing.

I make sense to me.

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Aug 02

Sno Cones and Ice Packs (Contains Profuse Swearing)

fuuuuuuck it is hot.

I know, I know, I gripe about it all of the time this summer. I know I will bitch about the cold too. I know a lot of people are pissed because of people like me who are always bitching about the weather.

I have one question for those people: Do you have air conditioner in both your work place and in your bed room? If you do, stfu and let the people like me bitch. I spend the vast majority of my time in my room either trying to sleep or writing the various projects I have going. I do this with a damned box fan. Let me tell you, a box fan when it is 112 outside just isn’t enough.  Saturday I should be installing an air conditioner. I predict a happier, more productive Selina.

I feel like just typing swear words in a massive string with no spaces or punctuation. I generally try to be either be thoughtfully rantful or upbeat when I write. I am trying to channel that right now. I promise.

People talk about living in another period of history with a wistful gleam in their eye. It is dumb. If you are a woman you seriously don’t want to live at any time in history before now. Life sucked to be you, don’t do it. I can accept women wanting to go back and be part of the woman’s right movement or even maybe the suffrage movement.Women who want to live any earlier than that are fucking nuts. It is more than just life was hard without modern convenience, women’s lives sucked. We were property to be brokered between our fathers and husbands and if we were poor, life was even worse. Oh, and, we were the root of all evil.

Okay that little rant did actually come from somewhere. I always think about how hard life had to been in the pioneer days in Oklahoma. I couldn’t imagine battling the Oklahoma weather without electricity. I have decided that I never want to live without wi-fi and indoor plumbing. I am not a roughing it for more than a quaint weekend sort of girl. People have told me that I would have never made it during the pioneer days. No shit. First off, I was born with a few deformities in my feet and ankles (read: extra bones, mutant girl) and I would have been completely crippled by the age of 15. Thanks for playing. BUT, even taking the mutations out of the equations, chances are pretty good I wouldn’t have made it with diseases, accidents, terrible medicine, lack of science, and angry bears. Throw on top of the angry bears, I would be expected to pop out babies like a machine and chances are good I would be dead soon. AND, I would still be cussing my head off about the heat.

My great grandmother on my dad’s side had some crazy amount of kids, like 22 with 15 that made it to adulthood. I like my time in history thankyouverymuch.

Especially after Saturday when I hope to get delicious delicious air conditioning

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Jul 31

Yes, I Know It Is Not Saturday

And, yes, I am aware that is improper capitalization for that title. My give a crap broke, so shoot me.

Okay, funny things time.

So, Thursday I got dive bombed in the face several times by a butterfly. I told you guys all about that. Friday, I had errands to run. I stepped out onto my front porch and there was a butterfly and he immediately flew over and landed on my leg and stayed there until I got to my car. I walked really funny not to squish him on accident. I am being stalked by butterflies.

(Side story that is not funny but pretty cool and relates to butterflies: After my dad’s father died my dad was really upset so he went for a walk and sat down in a field of flowers. He sat in the field and cried and thought and mourned. After about an hour and a half he started to feel more at peace and he stood up. When he stood up all of the flowers in the field took flight and swirled around him for a second then flew off.  This is why in my family butterflies represent my grandfather and peace. I see them at odd times when I need to be reassured that things will be okay or that I am on the right path. Being stalked by butterflies right now is a good thing.)

Hormones make me crazy. I missed Tina’s daughter’s birthday party yesterday even though I really wanted to go. I just really couldn’t. I knew this Friday night and I had dreams that she was so mad at me she moved her family to Baton Rouge without telling me. Also, in the dream my family and I lived on a tropical island. I walked out to talk to my mom about being upset that Tina left and I found my mom in a shed making paddles out of found objects because there was a flood coming. All of the paddles had Styrofoam of some sort in them leading me to believe I can blame Modern Marvel’s episode on Styrofoam. This was the more normal dream of my sets of dreams.

My friend Amy Trachte Moore introduced me to one of my new favorite things in the world. I want to be this woman when I grow up. The Bloggess is flipping awesome. She is like me but only funnier and far more cool. I should be envious of her but mostly I want to be her or have coffee with her.  Seriously awesome woman. I laughed so hard I snorted.

So I started a website, Facebook page, and Twitter account for my pen name. It makes me feel completely insane to create this entire other person. Seriously insane. I have decide to roll with it and enjoy the crazy.  I am using the site to blog about the process of writing my book so if the book ever does get published I will have a “web presence.”  I need to do a photo shoot with Tina as Charly Sinclair, my alter ego, which the idea amuses me. How does one take pictures as an alter ego? Maybe I should look for a funky wig or hat or something.  (BTW, I know the website is kind of lame. I am still writing this blog, a book, AND that site. I put that as the last priority seeing how she doesn’t exist.)

Good news is Tina promised me that if she moves it will be north and that she will tell me if she moves. I am so glad she is so patient with my crazy.

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Jul 28

It Started with Frontline at 4 am

This morning I woke up with a stomach ache. It was one of those things that interjected  into my dreams. So I woke up a bit irritated and decided to watch the PBS. Frontline was on and it was awesome. It got me all riled up again about the debt crisis even though it had nothing to do with the debt crisis. I went back to bed at about 5 am angrier than hell. I laid in bed stewing. I was so mad, I was so mad that I seriously consider creating some spoken word poetry. I was seriously THAT mad.

As a general rule, I hate poetry and most of the time bad spoken word poetry is a bunch of indignant, self-important, crap. I was mad enough that I didn’t care. I thought about what I would have to do to get it recorded while I composed it in my head. I thought about having to find my webcam, getting myself looking decent,  get my webcam software downloaded, edit any video, post it on youtube, and the list kept getting longer. I fell asleep instead. The world was saved from some bad spoken word poetry by my laziness. Score one for the good guys!

I woke back up much later with an improved stomach and I was far less angry until I checked my e-mail and saw Boehner’s over tanned reptile face and read quotes from speeches he has given lately. I got mad all over again. I started ranting about all of it. Then my rant went all historical like my rants tend to do. I genuinely believe this time, right now, has a great chance to completely change the path of the U.S for the good or for the catastrophic. (I am totally not going to get into that. You guys are not interested why I believe that way and if you are I will right about it later.) I was calling Boehner everything but an intelligent, talented statesmen.

I got all frustrated again when I realized there was nothing my anger could do. Writing about my political frustration feels pretty pointless. I live in Oklahoma and I am a moderate with liberal leanings. My effect here is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway. (Think sex and you will get that simile.) I was so worked up until I saw this:

It didn’t make the crisis go away, or my anger. I am still unbelievably frustrated with this country, its politicians, and its people. I just had to laugh though. That laughing put everything in perspective. I like perspective.

There is a chance our country is going to go to shambles. I vote, I try to keep up and stay informed. I vocalize my feelings. I have done everything I can.

I realized how ridiculous this morning was with my spoken word poetry aspirations. I had to make fun of myself. Then, I went outside to take out the trash and I got dive bombed by a butterfly IN THE FACE. It swooped in and landed on my nose and flew off three times. You can’t swat a butterfly. That is the karmic equivalent to punt a cute fuzzy puppy. So, I was attacked by a butterfly. Oh how I am blessed with a feeling of the ridiculous.

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Jul 26

Snow Cones

I have good news and I have bad news for you. Knowing that most people prefer the bad news first, I am still leading off with the good news. I am such a bastard.

Good News: this will not be a preachy long blog like Saturday’s blog.

Bad News: I am pretty sure this is another ramble blog.

I finished my outline for my book someday last week. I am not exactly sure what day. I should be ashamed that I don’t remember but I’m really not.  I know I keep writing about it a lot when I have nothing else to write about but it is what is consuming my brain. I think it is supposed to be that way.

I made an active decision with this book. I was not going to go for the next great American novel. Years from now this book will not be taught in college classes. I am not aiming for literature or even good, I am aiming for people to read it and think to themselves “Oh that was cute” or “Oh that was funny” or “That was worth the two bucks I spent on it on for my -reader.” Honestly, I am aiming for done.

I am not a bastion of false modesty. I don’t pretend that I am bad at things that I know I am good at. It is uncouth and disconcerting that I will accept a compliment without argument. I do sometimes have a hard time thinking of myself as a good writer. I write because I love it and writing is what makes me feel whole. I can write witty, I can write honest, and I can write pain like no one’s business. I just don’t ever feel like I come up with good novel ideas. That held me back for such a long time that I felt so freed when I decided to aim for entertaining instead of life changing.  I don’t want to change the world with this first book, just maybe give some people a few amusing evenings.

When e-readers first came out I was very anti-kindle. I was a paper book purist. I slowly started to see the benefit to the reader for having an e-reader and to the environment.  I was still hesitant.  I am the last person to take part of any hot trend. I still don’t have a smart phone and I rarely use my twitter account. Now I see the greatest benefit of e-readers, they make publishing more accessible to everyone.

Printing paper books is expensive. Publishing new authors is almost always a losing prospect for publishers. With e-books the investments in books are smaller and more books can get published. Hell, with e-publishing a writer can buy an ISBN number (a book’s unique identifying number like a social security number) and put it on Amazon.com and call it good. I think I am going to try to find a large publisher for my book at first because of those crazy things like editors and publicists but if all else fails I can upload it myself.

Wait… where was I going with all of this?

 

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Jul 23

Human Nature

So, believe it or not I try very hard not to make this blog a self-important, pretentious, preachy rant about my beliefs and politics. I really do try. The truth of the matter is, I am a self-important, pretentious, preachy kind of person. I have strong opinions and a big mouth.  Some days, like today, I really feel the need to share my opinions.

Yesterday two news items really caught my attention and got me thinking and feeling. The attacks in Norway and the debt ceiling crisis.

What happened yesterday is a major tragedy. The death toll is now 91 and it is a distinct possibility that it will rise. The bombing is shocking enough, but it is almost unthinkable to me that someone would open fire on a camp full of children. The media is telling us all about the perpetrator’s ideological leanings. Apparently, he was a fundamentalist Christian who also belong to groups that were upset about immigration. In my opinion, the man was probably very mentally ill and his ideology had very little to do with his actions.  Extremism attracts certain personality types that are more likely to behave in a manner we consider unthinkable. It is a universal thing. Every major religion has them as does every political movement.  It is a part of human nature. We can’t get rid of religion or political movements, so the only thing we can do is try to react to the effects of extremism as best we can.

Instead of getting pissed at screaming at each other and feed the fire, maybe we should calm the hell down and talk about things. What happened exactly? How can we help? What can this attack tell us about our current political climate? What can we do as a group to try and work though our problems?

The U.S should have gotten this message after the shooting of Rep. Giffords but we didn’t. It is sneaking up on a major election and propaganda and political rancor are tools politicians use to get us to vote.   Politicians are business men. They realize that doing the right thing isn’t the best way to keep their jobs. We still live in a political climate of spreading dissension and hate is more effective for keeping their jobs than doing their jobs in the best way possible.

Why work to make the country better and uphold our constitution when calling “the other guy” names and demonizing one group or another accomplishes the ultimate goal of keeping your job better?

Case in point, the debt ceiling debate. If they do not come to an agreement, our national government basically shuts down. As far as I can tell, there are two things that are keeping the agreement stalemated. The Republicans want deep cuts in social programs and the Democrats want wealthy people and corporations to pay the same taxes as the rest of us. As far as I can tell, the Democrats are willing to compromise on the cuts on the social programs but the Republicans are refusing to tax their honey pot contributors. It seems like they would rather cause thousands of people to lose jobs and throw this country further into financial crisis and call it “fiscal responsibility” (I would buy the social program cuts as fiscal responsibility, if I didn’t see the hypocrisy of refusing to tax the rich folks who have bought them) than to give a bit.  It makes me want to go up to the capitol and shake every single politician.

I am far from impartial on the matter. I understand the strong rancor people feel when they talk about their beliefs. Sometimes I want to call people morons and tell them to use their brains. I do my best not to for one simple fact: I believe that rarely is an ideal more important than human lives.

History has times that show us that ideals are more important than the humans they effect. I promise you that the bullshit in politics currently is not more important than trying to shut up and be nice. I promise you immigration is not worth being nasty to another human being over, much less killing someone. I promise you that Jesus did not want you to use him as an excuse to bully, hate, name call, kill, or harm another human being. He did not say “Love thy neighbor, but only if he believes and behaves exactly as you do.”

I guess it boils down to my three life philosophies:

Shut up and be nice. ~ Ani Difranco

Be most excellent to one another. ~George Carlin in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”

Leave a place better than you found it.  ~ Girl Scouts of America

Having beliefs is great. Expressing your beliefs is fine. Hating someone else because they are different than you is not okay.

My heart breaks for the people of Norway today. Americans know the shock and pain they are feeling. We have been attacked from both the outside and from within and know the feelings of betrayal from both. Keep them in your thoughts.

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