Apr 21

A Good Sandwich

I made the decision before I posted Tuesday that I honestly felt there are somethings that need to be written no matter how private the topic feels. I believe it for so many reasons ranging from it is therapeutic for both the writer and the reader going through the similar thing to some pretentious high handed ideals I won’t go into. I didn’t get much feedback on the post but I know one person liked it and that is enough for me.

There are many other deep gritty emotional blogs I need to write. My soul is brimming with bubbling emotional topics that I need to lay bare in front of the world. Okay, I can’t even pretend to be that over dramatic but there are other things that I think would be good for me to write about. I have one topic for sure. Not today though. Today I am going to write about a damn good sandwich.

This morning I was puttering around thinking of things to write. I had my coffee and Doctor Who was on BBC America (Matt Smith makes a pretty good doctor in my opinion.) I got up up and made a sandwich for breakfast. I know it is an unconventional choice but we all know I am a rebel. Anyway, it was really good roast beef with feta cheese crumbles between thin slices of asiago  cheese bread. So let me reset the scene, Me with coffee and God’s own sandwich watching Doctor Who. One of the things I am very blessed to have is the ability to see awesome moments in my life while I am in them. Coffee, sandwich, and Doctor Who was one of those small, simple moments.

I started a white trash container garden. I am growing two kinds of summer squash, cucumbers, and watermelon in pots in my yard. I have discovered I have a talent for growing seedlings. I have also discovered that I am way too attached to my seedlings and container garden. There is something satisfying about growing something and watching change from day to day. I have a freakish attachment to these plants though. I talked to the seedlings when they were growing on my table and now I go look at them every day just to check up on them. I have spare seedlings that I don’t have room to plant. (I had no idea that it would that my seeds would grow so well.) I cannot bring myself to throw them away. I know it is ridiculous. I texted my sister that some people drink after a bad break-up, I apparently plant strange vegetables and get unnaturally attached to them. I am not sure which method is healthier mentally but I know mine is cheaper. Anyone need some seedlings? I don’t know what is what anymore but just think of it as a garden surprise.

I know this seems like one of those “joy is in the simple things” posts. Honestly it probably is. Truth is, though, I have to believe that to survive right now. I know some people that thrive on competition or acquisition or stability. I thrive on hope. I learned that I am happiest when I have people to love and take care of and I have hope. I still have many people to love. I am not strong enough to have hope about love. I know all the platitudes; there is someone for everyone, many fish in the sea, blah blah blah. I see real love around me. I know it exists. It just hurts too bad right now to believe it will happen for me. So I bolster myself with the joys of great simple moments and the hope that a white trash container garden presents. I know I am a massive dork. I accepted this long, long ago.

Don’t judge me!

 

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Apr 19

Distance

I have been single for almost a month now. I think I have had enough distance to be able to honestly discuss parts of it. To be honest, I don’t know if people want to read about it, but like everything else, you are free to surf away from this post. I don’t want to go into the nitty gritty of what happened or finger point or name call. I just think it is important for me to write about it even if it is just for myself.

When I was probably six I was swimming at a friend’s house and there were several other kids in the pool. I was a pretty decent swimmer but I stayed near the edge of the pool when I was swimming in the deep end. I didn’t cling to the edge, but I didn’t feel comfortable swimming away from the side. One of the older kids was trying to help and convinced me to swim away from the edge. I swam from one side to the other a few times, always underwater not on the surface like normal kids, without much incidence. I got braver and swam around in the middle for a few minutes. When I tried to surface I was under one of the other kids in an inner-tube and I was trapped under the water for just a few seconds. I remember the panic and finally surfacing and desperately gasping for air. I was never in any real danger but the panic was enough to leave me breathless with darkness encroaching on the edges. I will always remember that feeling of pure, gasping, panicked struggle. I hadn’t felt that way again until I got home from Florida.

At first everything was a desperate treading of water trying to understand what had just had happened to me. I retreated far within myself and decided that I would not be able to make sense of anything at first so I simply felt my emotions and made note of them. I felt like a biologist observing a selina in her natural emotional habitat. As I started to sort stuff out, I realized that what happened was really for the best but I had to promise to let myself feel it.

For fifteen months, I had built a life for myself with another person. I had become Selina in a Relationship and I started building a future based around that. When the relationship ended, that version of Selina in a Relationship died along with that life and future I had built. For better or worse, a lot of things changed for me. My natural instinct has always been to pretend I was okay and try to solider it through. Thank freaking God that I had enough sense not to try it this time. I realized, I think with the help of my amazing friends, that I needed to allow myself to feel this. I have to mourn the end of everything I had felt, built, and planned. I need to learn what Single Selina is again.

In the beginning I was trying to survive the moments of feeling so much pain that I felt part of me curl into a ball deep inside of myself while the pain overwhelmed me threatening to burst out of my skin. There were so many times I just wanted a break from my own mind for a bit. I am not saying I wanted to die, I just wanted to not think for a bit. I realized fairly early on that my best chances of surviving this required me to stop, take stock of where I was, and to make a plan for moving forward, so I made a plan. I haven’t been working as diligently as I should on that plan as I should. I have been slacking a bit but I am still trying to plod forward. Even in the beginning, I knew that if I tried to move forward things would get better, I am also trying to not get too upset with myself about not being healed and for not getting everything done right now. Just keep swimming.

A month out, I feel the moments of swelling pain far less. I feel less like my skin is one large angry scrape that screams at any touch. I see the things that I can learn from everything. I tell myself that I am a better stronger person from the experience. Sometimes it is a comfort, sometimes I roll my eyes at the thought feeling it is a cold comfort. The strangest thing is the odd moments that the gasping panic hits me. The other day I was at a stoplight and it hit me when I got hit with that feeling I had in that pool. I was surprised by it but after a few seconds it passed.

I have no clue what happens next. I know I want to keep moving forward, so forward I plod along.

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Apr 16

Techno Junkie Part 2

I am sitting in a small conference room in the public library hoping to get a post up and my other internet business done before they close in another hour and 15 minutes. All computer hell broke loose at my house. I don’t know if I can make it through.

There is a virus on my home network. It has infected several computers and the only thing I have going for me is that I don’t use my laptop at home so it didn’t pick up the virus. I don’t know what it is but I do know it refuses any microsoft site and it prevents me from updating any of my anti-virus software. I reformatted my desktop’s hard drive and reloaded windows. I was in the process of updating it and trying to get stuff loaded on it when the wind knocked out the power and did something strange to my wireless. So, no home internet. I woke up this morning and immediately started getting ready to get to the library in time to post this and try to get some other things done with this computer. I was hoping to download some different anti-virus software so I can take this computer home safe. I can’t download different software until I remove the old stuff the old stuff won’t let me remove it. GRRRRRRR.

So until I can fix these issues I am going to be floating around like an internet transient hopping from wi-fi spot to wi-fi spot just to get my interweb fix. I can only go so long before I start twitching. I realize now it is because there has been very few times in my life without a computer.

I remember we had this computer in the 80’s that played frogger and q-bert and had some word processing software. It made game sound and had very pixelated graphics. Honestly, I have seen graphing calculators with more computing power than that thing had but it was pretty unusual to have a computer at all in those days. I remember thinking that it would be amazing if computers could actually talk but it seemed like a far and distant dream.

From there we got many different computers and I remember the technology steadily grew. I would use them for word processing (I have always preferred typing instead of handwriting) and sometimes games. I had Myst and Tomb Raider. I was bad at both. Then came the internet.

AOL OMG. I was in junior high when we first got the internet. In those days, you paid by the hour and you had a dial-up modem that moved slightly slower than drawing the pictures out by hand would have. Our first ISP was AOL and I loved it. I became a chat junkie. My parents hated it. I started having to do extra chores to earn my online time. My friends and I would huddle in front of our computer and talk to people from all over and it was the coolest thing ever. I couldn’t do anything too bad because our internet computer was in the living room where everyone could see. My dad hated AOL and we got a different ISP but it was enough to start my techno junkie ways. America Online I blame you.

Well the best I can hope for is a solution to my problem so I can stop skulking from wi-fi hotspot to wi-fi hot spot. I think I should carry around my laptop in a brown paper bag with top wrinkled where I clutched it.   /le sigh.

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Apr 14

Techno Junkie

I have always known that I love technology. I have two computers; a gaming desktop that I built myself and a laptop. I am very seldom found without my cellphone, and while it might not be the latest greatest smartphone, it does have a qwerty keyboard. I know what a qwerty keyboard is. I have expensive gaming keyboard and mouse, actually, I have two expensive gaming mice. I run my own website and I am learning web design. I contribute to the best humor site on the web urlybits. I try to keep up with internet culture. I have a twitter account though I am not really into it. I have played three mmorpgs (only one hardcore) and I am looking forward to the new Star Wars game. (I have an ipod but I hate the damned thing. That is a post all in itself.)

With all of this, I would think I would realize that I am a techno junkie. I knew that I relied on my electronics a lot. I went something like ten days without power one winter. I survived. I had books. I have always told myself that if all of my other forms of electronic entertainment failed, I could always read. Of course now, I desperately want an e-reader but BUT I could always fall back on my old fashion paper books. I thought that I was fairly well balanced for a techno junkie. I only use my computer and phone because they are convenient but if I didn’t have them I would be okay. Damn I was in denial.

The first clue that not having a computer is a major bad thing is that I use it for my writing. Yes, I know I could write with pen and paper but, honestly, that is a terrible idea. I type far faster than I write and my handwriting is terrible. In college I had people offer me money for my class notes until they saw just how bad my handwriting and short hand is (during Civil War lectures, I referred to the Confederacy by atleast four different names) and I had to tell them no.

Today, though, I got an even clearer indicator that I am a techno junkie. Hotmail is down and I cannot handle it. I load up MSN and it tells me I have twelve e-mails but when I click the link that is supposed to take me to my inbox, I get an error message. Twelve unread e-mails waiting for me and I cannot get to them. The link is like some sick sadistic torture begging to be clicked but won’t flipping work.

Logically I know that is all probably e-mails from travel website and the hippie sites that I am on for some strange reason. I know when I finally do get access there will be nothing of any importance. Logically my brain knows this but my heart tells me there is something important in there and I can’t get to it. It is just not fair.

So I here I go:

Hi, my name is Selina and I am a techno junkie.

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Apr 12

*Brain Esplodes*

I like to think of myself as someone who boldly goes forth in search of what she wants and smiles and makes friends easily. I have a feeling that the truth is closer to me being a homebody that allows herself to settle into something comfortable and safe. I think I remember being bolder, funnier, and less concerned about comfort. After the break-up, I got to seriously looking at who I am and what I want and I decided I need to change things around.

First off, I cancelled my WoW account. I am not one of those people who believes World of Warcraft ruined my life. My life isn’t anywhere near ruined and I am responsible for the state it is in. I circled far into myself and let myself lose bits of me. World of Warcraft made it easier because it offered a diversion and socialization. I am still gaming but I am playing Rift instead. I am working on the premise that it won’t be as all consuming as WoW. If it turns out to be, I hope I see it and am able to fix it.

I have also decided to start my application process for WorldTeach to teach in American Samoa for a year. There is a lot to do for it. I need two references, three short essays, my transcripts, and an interview. The essays are only two to three hundred words which isn’t difficult in itself but I am going to take my time and write them thoughtfully with several drafts. I am probably going to ask someone else to read them since I have the tendency to not see my own mistakes. (Hmm, imagine that, me blind to my own mistakes.) I have asked one of my references to be a reference for me and I need to contact the other. I have ordered my transcript.  I will think about the interview later.

I need a job. The WorldTeach program requires a two thousand dollar deposit and I think a job would be good for me. Lets be honest here. I can write with a job. I can do all the other stuff I want with a job. I need a job.  I don’t know what kind of job I want since I think it would be inopportune to start a career job, so I am just going to look around, no fast food though. I need to write a resume. I hate writing resumes. I hate writing resumes more than I hate strep throat. Very soon I will sit down and write one. I promise. Holy smokes, I hate writing resumes.

I was looking for a different theme for my site through the WordPress selections and I realized yet another thing I need to do, I need to work on learning website design. I actually really enjoy it and I think I could be really good at it. I just need to do it.

I am also considering stopping writing with a theme. Five full months of theme blogs should prove I can do it. I miss my old blogging style and I have gotten enough in the habit of blogging on a set schedule that I think I can come up with things to write about without a theme. Any thoughts?

Okay I am ending this post now before it becomes even more of a strange Woody Allen neurotic rant. I owe that to the world.

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Apr 09

“Nice Guys”

I had to think a bit about whether or not I wanted to tackle this topic today considering I am less than a month out of the end of a 15 month long relationship so I don’t know how objective I could be on this topic. I realized I am not objective about anything, nor do I have to be, this is my blog not cnn.com.

Let me say, I have no intention of going of the nitty gritty of what happened. Shit happened, I learned a lot, more shit happened, I hurt a lot, I learned a lot more, and now I am trying to move on. I have a feeling the hurting will continue to happen with lessening frequency and intensity and I hope I will keep the learning in my damn thick skull. Either way, this is not about my break-up but on my view of relationships.

Nice Guys Quit Your Bitching!

Okay, so lately on the internet I have seen so many cartoons about “nice guys” whining because the women they have a thing for go for some good looking douche bag.  The female version of this is the guys they like go for date the hot crazy bitches. The tale continues with the love interest getting their heart broken and running back to the “nice guy.” Wash, rinse, repeat.

I know this happens but I don’t think anyone has ever explained to the “nice guy” why this happens. These nice guys are lusting after the hot chicks that only became their friends for free IT support.

  • Fact one: 99.9% of hot women know they are hot.
  • Fact two: They have learned to use that to their advantage.
  • Fact three: You are what they are using to that advantage.

 

Stop being an idiot. That super hot chick who calls you when she just had a break up so you can take her out to dinner and drinks and cries to you will never sleep with you. She feels like she is doing you a favor by letting you pay for her company and to listen to her sob. She knows you want her and she knows she can use you as an emotional tampon because you hope she will see the light of how awesome you are and fall madly in love. Not going to happen.

Hot chicks go for either guys who are hot, who are rich, or who can provide them with superficial things. So, yes, she might date you if you are a “five” but only if you are wealthy or can provide them with needed connections. If you are poor and you don’t have friends in the movie business, it isn’t going to happen.

Now, if it did happen, your life would be hell. Hot women are pains in the asses. They know they are hot and men will put up with a whole lot of shit just to be with them. They will make you miserable. They will take every penny you have. They will slowly take over any time you had with your friends. They will hate your video games and make you do things they want to do.

Also, if you are pining for a super hot girl, you are probably not looking at the less hot but cooler girl who is right there. Seriously, you have man tits but you are going to turn your nose up at the girl you actually have a shot with because she won’t look good in a bikini. Trust me, you will be happier with another geeky “five” than that super hot girl. She will play video games with you, she will get your “Firefly” quotes, and she will want to go to cons with you.

Here is another fun fact: geeky girls are freaks. I am not saying nerdy girls are slutty. There is a big difference. Geek girls won’t sleep with a lot of guys and will often want a loving monogamous relationship before they will sleep with you. If you get there though, it is like the holy land. Hot chicks look at sex as power or currency. If you can make a nerdy chick feel sexy and secure, sex becomes something fun to be experimented with. If you get a nerdy chick who is adventurous (which is most of them) understand that almost everything you want to try is fair game. You won’t hear no often. Your biggest problem will be finding the Zelda and Link costumes in your area.

So here is my final thought: “nice guys” stop being dumb. You will be much happier if you stop pining for the hot chick and look around you. If you ever had a Pokemon sexual fantasy, trust me, you will be happier.


 

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Apr 07

Simple Life Philosophies

I have previously said before that I have two life philosophies. One is from George Carlin from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” and the other is something a Girl Scout leader taught me at camp. First: “be most excellent to each other.” Second: “leave a place better than you found it.”

Be Most Excellent to Each Other

Or, as the Bible puts it, “do unto others as you want done unto you.”

Or, “treat others how you want to be treated.”

It is such a simple idea. With every interaction with other creatures try to have as much kindness, respect, and happiness as you can. It is not always easy at all. I have had days where everything annoys the crap out of me. People are too slow or too ignorant with intent and I just want to be short tempered or nasty. It is so easy to give dirty looks or sigh.  I do it all of the time. The only person it hurts is me because I stay in a craptacular mood and I spread that craptacular to the others around me.

It reminds me of a Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaimon book called “Bad Omens.” In the book a demon is reporting to his demon superiors about the evil he is inspiring and he tells his woefully out of the loop bosses (why doesn’t it surprise me that Hell has middle management?) that one of his major acts of evil was to interrupt cellphones during busy London lunch times. They were thoroughly unimpressed until he explains that it puts people in bad moods which they take back to their offices, which in turn the co-workers bring home to their spouses, which them spreads to their kids, and eventually ends in pets getting kicked. Evil genius.

Leave a Place Better than How You Found it.

I think the woman actually said cleaner than how you found it, but, as anyone who has seen my car knows, I have issues with cleaner so I stick with better.

This is another simple concept that is almost inseparable with the first one. I try my best, on days I can actually be mindful of this, to not make those around me days worse. I go to the store and if it is a madhouse or if I am behind some jerk in line, I try to smile and be friendly to the people around me.  I have worked as a cashier in a few jobs and I know that having a good customer after a nightmare customer can make the difference between a funny story about some jerk and a really terrible day at work.

I drive people I go out into public with crazy sometimes because I give compliments anytime I see something I like. I will go out of my way to tell someone that I like something or to thank them. I know I look insane. Chances are, I am insane. I just happen to know how good it feels to have someone give me a compliment. I have this strange desire to make people around me feel better about themselves.

Okay, I have more to say about this but I feel far too preachy and I am not down with that. Life is rough and we are not making out of it alive. Sometimes you have shut up and try to be happy. Sometimes you just have to try not to be a jerk. If all else fails and you know you are going to be a troll, go hang out somewhere away from everyone else.

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Apr 05

How Does That Even Make Sense?

I promise April will not be purely about kid’s shows but I feel it is appropriate to write about kid’s shows today since the inspiration for this month’s blogs comes from a kid’s show and I am over at Tina’s house and I have maximum exposure to them right now.

I need to state up front that I am all about creativity and use of imagination. I have a great ability to suspend reality. I spent many years playing a game in which I played either a character that shot fireballs from her hands or another character that shifted into various animal forms or into a tree. I love sci-fi and fantasy. There are just somethings that ask me a little too much from me.

My first big thing is about shows with anthropomorphic animals. (Okay I felt way too pretentious writing that so from now on I will say humanoid animal. It is clumsier and not really accurate but I will hate myself less.) I think it is absolutely cool to have shows that have animals as humanoid roles. There is a show called Olivia that is pigs instead of people. Everyone is a pig. I can dig that. Shows that have mixtures of humans and various other humanoid animals don’t bug me either. What bugs me is when these animal humanoids have pets.

Let me clarify. Olivia has a cat. I can dig Olivia having a cat because there are no humanoid cats in the show. It bugs the snot out of me when a show has humanoid animals with the same animals as pets. A humanoid cat should not have a pet cat. It just pushes my suspension of disbelief too far. Cats are either cats or they are people. Okay, Okay, so I know maybe some cats were super experiment and turned into humanoid cats. I can accept that. I also know that evolution can make two species look similar but I do not believe that evolution can create so different of creatures that look the same. I am probably wrong though. The Narnia books and movies are an exception to this because it is explained why some animals are humanoids and some are just animals.

(Yes, I do know I am insane and, yes, Tina has explained to me that I make no sense.)

Another example of my strange logic is “Ni Hao Kai Lan.” Kai Lan is a Chinese American girl that has adventures with her imaginary stuffed animal friends in California. The show has a tiger, a monkey, a rhino, a koala, and some bugs. Well, I did not know at first that the show was set in California, I thought it was set in China. I also did not know that the animals were imaginary friends based off of stuffed animals. I thought they were humanoid animals that just hung out with her.

With these misconceptions of the show, I had several issues. I could buy that this little girl has friends that are animals. Most of the animals were animals native to China. I could dig it, except for the koala bear. For some reason, I could not accept the idea of the koala immigrating to China. Seriously, China is a communist country with strict immigration policy. How the hell would a koala get there from Australia? Then Tina explained to me that Kai Lan lives in California and, for some reason, that made much more sense. I could deal with a koala immigrating to California. (Yes, I know this in itself is completely freaking nuts.)

When I explained my problem with this to Tina she gave me a strange look then said in a slow voice, much like when you talk to a scared animal, “You do realize that all of those animals are just in Kai Lan’s mind, right?” I didn’t and when she realized that that changed everything for me, she gave me another really strange look. I understand that at this point I am certifiable. Anyway, I could accept the rhino that comes to visit by floating with a balloon tied to her horn. I could not accept that a koala had immigrate to China but would immigrate to California. I could accept that all of these things were real. Somehow this is okay in my mind. Whenever Tina pointed out to me that it was all in her head, well, it made so much more sense.

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Apr 02

April is Totally Not for Fools

Last month I was at Tina’s house (notice how many of my stories and ideas start out with “I was at Tina’s house) and I was watching this kid’s show called the Fresh Beat Band. For adults the show is like bludgeoning yourself with a mace over and over until you pass out but for kids the show is like the second coming of the Beatles but I was exhausted so I was laying on the couch watching Sam dance around like an acid tripping hippie and kind of following the episode.

The premise of the show is that these four young adults go to a music school (though it is never clear if it is college or high school) and they get into many crazy situations and get themselves out using friendship, teamwork, and, of course, song. Honestly, the show is pretty innocuous. It is just really annoying. Anyway, during this particular episode it is the kid’s music teacher’s birthday so they decide to buy her a piccolo, a cake, and wallpaper her music room.  While they were working on her room, two of the kids accidentally got stuck together back to back and had to work together to get the room done. Of course, they did it with a song.

Anyway, at the end of the show they bring the music teacher into the room.

Let me list the improbabilities that have existed up to this point real quick.

  • Some college or high school kids were able to afford a new piccolo.
  • The same kids defaced school property with new wallpaper while managing to keep their teacher out of the room.
  • Two of the characters got stuck together with wallpaper paste.
  • They did this all with a a song.

By this time I have drowsily watched the entire show and just went with the flow.

Anyway, they bring the teacher into the room and she notices and says something about the wallpaper. They give her the piccolo and they have a few minutes of conversation about it. It is only then that she notices the three foot tall brightly decorated cake.

Something  in my brain snaps and I say “Oh Yeah, like she just noticed the cake now, that is some crap!”

I hear Tina snort behind me and she asked incredulously “That is where your suspension of disbelief breaks?”

This started a seriously epic conversation about how my version of logic and my world view might be unique.

(Before people wet themselves: Tina explained to me that I was using the word logic wrong, but I am doing it anyway.)

We decided after much laughing and hilarious mocking of my world view that I needed to have month devoted to my strange and awesome world view. So April is subtitled:

The Wonderful Logic of Selinafish

Welcome, my gentle readers, into my brain. /golfclap

 

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Mar 31

What the Hell Happened to March?

So, I should be ashamed of the fact that I really missed a bunch of posts in March but I am really not. Shit happens and that is the way of life. Good news is that I really enjoyed writing about books. The even better news is that this is my blog and if I want to take another month soon and write about books, I can. Muhahaha, I am drunk with power or just insane.

Anyway, I think I made a good mini-start on writing on books I love. There are so many more that I think I should write about. I need to figure out an approach about how to write about books. I need to either think about focusing on one series  a day or one book. I think I did not do Christopher Moore any justice by trying to write about all of his books in one post. Maybe I should have genre months. Who knows?

It is all irrelevant right now because starting Saturday I move on to something new. I am actually kind of excited about it even though it could be difficult. I think it will actually be good that I am spending time around my friends since they will be able give me inspiration for next month. I know, I know, I haven’t explained a damn thing about what next month is about and I won’t. Two things I can count on with this blog: being able to write a shorter and crappier entry at the beginning of each month and being able to write a shorter and crappier entry and the end of each month. I am not denying myself that by explaining next month’s theme in this month’s wrap up. Lord…. Maybe I should sleep more.

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